Sitting in an empty room...

it really hurts when someone that meant the world to you some time ago,that shared years being together, maybe not happily ever after but it was an honest friendship at least, now acts like you dont even exist.like youre just a spec of dust.thats exactly how i feel.

i dont want her back, shes happy where she is right now.but i just wanted to be a part of her happiness. but i guess she didnt want me in the picture, so i went away. now i just feel like i've lost a dear best friend.and it makes me feel really sad.

A prick from the needle,because you dealt with The Devil.

well i had fun last saturday, after days of 'labor' work, moving out from my condo to a new house back in subang again(yay!!!).so i really needed the break.even the devil needs a break!harhar.and it was good.dayang have been great, tremendous, fabulous, and (d)evilly-gorgeous help from day one!thank you my love! she slept over at my house and on saturday morning we went out for a movie with omar and sarah.we watched 'The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus'.well actually it sounds like 'darn asses'...but nevermind.

so yeah,it was a decent movie.i just love senseless fantasy stories like that where things doesnt really need a reason to happen, and the consequences doesnt really mean anything and most of the things doesnt really make any sense at all.err...that kinda sound like my life,but aaaanyway,i liked it.see, it was not a GREAT movie, i think people are just drawn to the movie like moth to fire is mainly because it starred heath ledger.it was his last movie for god's sake.oh, and not to forget, myself(ehem),jude law, and colin farrel came along to join the crew coz most of the part that involved CGIs are shot after heath ledger passed away, so they played his role, Tony.well tom waits played the devil's character, Mr.Nick, like a champ.with his smirk face and thin mustache,i felt like kicking him straight between the eye.and lily cole played Valentina, the dr parnassus' cute daughter.well,in a few scenes she actually transformed from cute to pure hotness.(she has that kind of weirdly-freaky-somehow-attractive face,like devon aoki)harhar.and she's only 21!so to cut it short,the story is about a man who made a deal...well dealS, actually...with the devil.and at one point,he actually bargained his daughter as a price for one of the bets he made with dear Satan.and then blah blah blah, happy ending.

so what's the moral of the story?simple---do not deal with the devil!

as far as it goes, one might think, hey i never dealt with the devil.i never met him.who does for god's sake?so what?we're safe?the story and it's values doesnt apply to our daily lives?this is the real world and the devil doesnt just show up one day at TESCO in the 'sports' area looking for shuttlecocks and gives you his private-line phone number?well my friends, i just realised something that day.if u really think carefully, actually we do make deals with the devil almost every day in our lifes.well...most us.well,i admit that i do.sometimes a few times a day. )))-:

if youve seen the movie,you can see how the devil makes every deal looks so easy and he's always so convincing. you'd just see the glittering prize at the end of the road, never thinking bout what you'll get along the way.and what you would actually get.you see, there's ALWAYS a catch to a deal.especially with the devil!and we're gonna have to pay for it. D-:

well,you dont actually meet the devil in person, but it does happen in a way.

think about it!---how many times in your life that that you actually thought, hey i'll just do this once.one time only.just for the sake of trying.then again.and again.and again.and then perhaps hey i'll just do this one LAST time,there's always tomorrow for redemption..im still young,i'll stop when im 60.but tomorrows just comes again and again.or, hey the world's gonna end in 2012 so we still have a long way to go till we settle down and come clean.

so u see,this is what i mean by 'dealing with the devil'.we actually gamble with our fate.i mean, what happens when theres actually no tomorrow?and i dont just mean about 'dosa' and 'pahala',good and bad,or sins and deeds here.it's not just about religious or spiritual afterlife shit im talking about here,its also about all the things we do in life,our connections,our relations,to people,to animals,everything.

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"i'll feed my pet and play with her later,cats can live for days without food."

"to hell with her,i hate her.i wont apologise, ever.in 10 years we'll forget about it and be ok."

"grandma's fine,she just had a minor accident.there's nothing serious,i'll visit her tomorrow."

but the cat didnt live for even a second more once it got ran over by a car minutes after that.

she didnt even last 10 months since the day you broke up,and she still remembered everything.

and you did came back tomorrow,only for her funeral.

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you know,if you find any of the statements above to be familiar,just think about it.what if there is no tomorrow?maybe not for your pet,your best friend,your ex,your girlfriend,your mom,your dad.everybody.including yourself.ESPECIALLY yourself.and that's when you actually lose to the devil.

"god,make me a better person this year onwards.amin"

money?

oh well.it's been a while since i wrote anything in here.coz it's been pretty hectic.studies.design.uitm administrative stupidity.part-time job.life.money.

money.

you're gonna need money to eat and drink.

you're gonna need money to sleep under a roof.

you're gonna need money to move around town.

you're gonna need money to go and watch movies.

you're gonna need money to make money.

you're gonna need money to live, basically.am i right, or am i right?

so yeah,money.every little thing these days are all about money.or is it?

you see,people are right when they say life is like a wheel.there are times you're gonna soar really high, and there are times you're come down crashing like you're never gonna see the sun again.so yeah, I've been up there before. i've never been filthy rich, but i've been there.i've been grown and trained since i was a kid, to not want things. because i just keep getting them.my age difference with my sister is a long six year span, due to two miscarriages my mom experienced before my sister came.so i had everything i wanted.i was always the first in the neighborhood to have everything.you say it:the latest game consoles, the coolest R/C car and trucks, every latest special edition LEGO toys,every latest action figure that swamped the movie screens those days.i had 2 big buckets full of LEGOs i could actually make a house i can crawl into.from tip to toe, i was dressed in the finest oshkosh b'gosh,adidas,puma stuff, u name it.and didn't even know about all that at the time.all i know was when they wanted to buy something for me, i just follow my mom or my grandmother to the mall, and i get it.

i remembered when i was in primary school, perhaps when i was 8 or 9,when i finally have a rough idea what 'value' and 'price' was, my mom wanted to buy me a shoe for raya, and i took a reebok from a shelf and paid rm150 something.well,that was pretty something back in the mid 90's.and i thought 'wow,this is quite a lot of money', but i didn't even like the shoe anyway,i just took it from the shelf because my mom told me i needed a new shoe for raya.but then the shoe only lasted for less then half of a year, and i only ended up wearing it for a few times, because i was growing up pretty fast those days and i gave it away to one of my cousins.and we went to the mall on that day itself to buy a new one because my mom felt i was 'incomplete' now that i gave my shoe away.that's when i thought, 'wow,mom paid more then a hundred bucks for something that i didn't even like, and it ended up being given to somebody else just like that?'.and he actually liked it.who doesn't like free stuff man?LOL.and back in school, i didn't have much friends to talk to about tv. whoever wanted to talk to me when i talked about tom and jerry?3x3 eyes?or anything on HBO?because i was the only one who had mega tv at that time.the grandpa of astro.haha.

but all that shit seems to be taken from us in a blink of an eye.it all started before the malaysian inflasion period in 1999 or something.my dad was being de-promoted in utusan malaya from a marketing executive to a nobody in the printing department i think, and my dad quited out of the feeling of betrayal after years of serving them and even moving to penang for them.that's when i moved to subang.my mom had to work.things were pretty much falling apart.my parents had to work real hard.they shifted from one place to another.we even at one time sold currypuffs and other kuihs at illegal stalls and even got chased away by the MPSJ like crows, scavenging our way for food.

that's when my mom asked me,

"bila cikgu tanya kat sekolah, mama dgn ayah kerja apa awak jawab apa?"

"berniaga",i answered."jual kuih."

"awak tak rasa malu ke jawab macamtu?sorry tau mama buat awak rasa malu."

that's when tears came rolling from my mother's eyes.and i was the one who comforted her and say there's no reason for me to be ashamed because i never minded.although i came from a pretty wealthy family, i was trained to live with modesty and be humble.my grandmother(al-fatihah to her) thought me that.i learned not to be too dependent on my parents as i grew up.i bought pretty much of my things myself from my own savings money(although they WERE from my parent's money too,but i had to really starve at times to be able to have them!) or through little petty businesses i've done.so i never really felt any difference of being rich or poor.yeah, being poor was hard, but i had a happy family back then with my two sisters and brother.i know 'poor' is such a strong word, and there are much poorer people in malaysia even, that's going through harder shit.but i use the word 'poor' when i said that because i was referring to what we had before.there were even a time when we didn't even have a car and we had to move around by metrobus.even when we had car,it was a rusty old peugot, one after another.and they all either got took away by the bank or got sold because we didn't have enough money to pay it on monthly basis.

till this day, our family's financial status are pretty much improving from those 'dark ages'.but i can say i never got back the life i had before as a kid.maybe the effect of it is not so big because it was short-liven, i don't know.u decide.but what i want to say is,i really dont want my brother and five sisters to go through what i went, although what they're going through right now is pretty much something too.sigh.and that's the only reason why i find money as an important commodity.only because i want to change my family's life.

when i look at (certain)people today, that only wears the most branded clothes, only uses the most talked about gadgets, only eats at the most classy fine-dine restaurants, and i thought: do they know what it feels to can only wear,eat, and use what you afford?and certain people boasts and displays this with full arrogance.people like these really makes me sick.well i'm not saying this out of jealousy or anything, and i'm not being a sour grape.i mean, yeah you have the money, so go ahead and splurge and buy expensive stuff, you earned it anyway.i really don't give a fuck.but when somebody wants to say he or she only wears this and that and look at what 'commoners' wear with the feeling of disgust, and joke about people not having money, well that kinda just hit me straight between the eye. i really don't care what these people do,say or think, well if they really wanna keep doing that, go ahead.but i don't wanna be among them because i'm not like that.i don't belong with 'rich' people.yeah,i may have zara stuff,but i'll wear kiki lala for all i care.and yeah i may have a rm500 jacket,but i don't mind bundle.seriously.at least if u really want to boast, use your own money.being rich with your parent's money really doesn't mean a lot.and a little modesty really goes a long way,u know.

so that's money to me and my life.sometimes in life, chances may come in the most peculiar ways.and being called chances,as we all know, it may fail or it may succeed.risks comes every second of our lives.i've been through shit that involves big risks, so i know how to size em' up when i see one.the less risk,the higher your potential of succeeding.one of the risk of life that i've taken:architecture school.but all i know is, i've failed it.and the consequence of that taking that risk,i've lost 4 years of my life getting nothing andd having a debt to the freaking PTPTipu.nothing?nah.i've learned lots of thing through that for years.it's just that, i don't belong to that world.and i don't need any comforting on that please.haha.i really meant that.but life goes on.all i know is i'm gonna finish it and get it over with.like my favourite lecturer always say to me every semester when i meet him for advice because i hesitate to use my 'crazy' ideas in design,"kalau nak fail,biar fail dengan style".haha.

so now im moving on to my next phase in life.i understand when people cant really comprehend and understand what i do and judge me, because not long ago i was people too.i was them.i didn't understand because i was being prejudice and judgmental.and scared of the risks.but hearing to two sides of the story really pays.i have knives up my sleeves man,this is sleazy you're talking about.haha.i spent time sizing up the risks,planning my steps,peeking through till i finally saw a way,as people were busy blabber mouthing and doing just that.and as i go,the risks really aren't that big.at least i knew that i took bigger.so i took it.

it was ME who was againts it so much, and now i'm doing it?why take the risk?it'll really take one hell of a push to move ME to take the risk out of anybody else, right?so i have my reasons.and i can answer anything you're gonna have for me.and i can prove anything that is against me wrong.i can if i want to.but i dont.because i see people around me as friends, and i respect that.and i don't expect to be respected either, because you've said and done what you wanted and i don't mind.because i know what i'm doing, and i understand what you feel.and i'm taking chances.not just for the money, but for my family.for turning back the wheel.

wailing thoughts of a muted scream...

i've just realised something quite recently. im not sure if it had always been that way, only that it never came to my conscious self; or it had just started for whatever reasons. (from the last word to this moment, i've spent almost 15 minutes in front of the laptop trying to think how i could put this into a logic literal explanation)

its like this actually:

im thinking to myself, more like talking to myself actually, like you do when you see a mister know-it-all talking yadda yadda yadda bout how he does everything so 'efficiently' and you'll go like "yeah right. jerk off, asshole. you bribed them!". you know, things that you really want to shout straight at somebody's face, but somehow you cant really say out loud, muted by our sanity and compassions, and perhaps of fear and hypocrisy too. but recently when i do that, i actually THOUGHT i was talking to myself, then suddenly there'll be somebody responding to my 'self expressions'. and i'll be like..."erk.wha-?oh,no no.nothing"...haih...just today, it had happened 2-3 times i cant really remember. oh, and thats one more thing. im starting to forget things more chronically these days. sleep talking is one thing, but wake talking???sometimes i don't remember saying certain things even in my wake! and sometimes when i wake up from sleep, i even forget how, where and when i slept the night before.

hmm......weird.

broken fixtures

there's a few times that ive asked some of my friends,and of course,dayang,a question that i began to realize that its actually far more serious than how the people ive asked would actually imagine it would be.actually,i think they would only see it as a joke.or just a mere sarcastic question that came out of my wishful thinking of trying to make a joke in any awkward situations where the crowd would suddenly go silent,u know what i mean?or is it just that?i thought it was just that myself,but somehow i knew, i knew that it somehow had the tiniest sense of pure honesty lingering somewhere behind my snickering voice, trying to sound funny and stupid all at the same time.

the question was(and always would be,i think):
"AM I A TROUBLED PERSON?"(somehow,in a disturbing kinda way,if u understand what im trying to say)

well,if u could imagine how people would see and understand the question,the answer didnt actually mean that much in any other way,u know.it would either be a really sarcastic notion,or really snappy one,to bite back my stupid question.but i wonder.i wonder what the answer really is.if they were really honestly answering it.if i were really honestly asking it.if i were to be poised in such a position,that requires me to answer that question really honestly,i would definitely answer
"YES."

because i realized(a few years back,when i finally began to see the prospects of life)that im actually a troubled person.yes of course,on the outside - i always had bad first impressions,either they hate me or they fear me - but,what im actually seeing here is the psychological stress and the interpersonal conflicts within me,of how i fail to define myself who or what i really am,or even was and would be,as far as im concerned.

so yeah,all in all,im actually confused.well,that's just another normal episode in life,rite?sigh.hope it'll be over.n it can pass through me like nothing but a tiny breeze.well.i dont even know most of what i just spoke of actually,it just came out like tired,dripping,metal-tasted water from the tip of a rusty water tap in a dusty and weedy sun scorched wasteland somewhere in Penang.(WTF???)

one small step for a big messed up fool,one giant leap for a little change in life

so here it starts.
im beginning to realize that maybe,just maybe,with this little thing here,i can make a big difference in how i face my life.thanks to dayang,she's always been so enthusiastic in writing blogs n all,that it triggered me.maybe this is what i need.maybe this is how i can make ends meet.maybe its time i need to look at life differently,n furthermore,to digest n express them differently.

so why am i doing this?
its because ive started to see that i need some kind of foundation,that i can be fixed on to,to keep me grounded.to keep me sane.to keep me sober.in a way,to keep me awake.coz all these years ive realized that ive been living in a dream.a dream that i made myself.to make it look like how i wanted to be.to make it look like every thing's ok.to see,feel,hear,experience,n accept only wat i allow myself to.i wanted them to be real so much i that i pretended it to be real.but theyre not.i feed myself with lies,n make myself believe that theyre real,how pathetic is that?im not a realist.i never was.everything i wanted to do,to achieve,are just mere fragments in my head that i cant really seem to grasp n deliver them.

so that's it.i have get up.i have to be real.
that's when i thought,there must be a really good reason why dayang writes.i see her as an idol.whatever that she does always had something good in it.they always do.so i realized that i need to look at things in a different way n start writing too.i remembered her telling me once that writing are a good way to express yourselves.so here i am.i just need to spill it all out coz its been pooling in my head for far too long that it feels like thick sludge is gurgling in my brain,clogging every vein,if they ever even existed.

yeah.i do feel like im 'expressing' myself.coz ive always been a sucker at these things,verbally.i just cant seem to talk to people easily bout wat i feel.its not like i dont want to or anything,but i just cant.dayang always told me to express myself towards her,but ive always failed to do it in a way that normal people would do.even towards dayang.god.so dont talk bout telling other people other than her,thats more unlikely to happen.so i guess writing's the way.dayang's right.i have to let it all out.its bout letting out what u feel,what u think.to me,writing is like making u see n understand what you yourself feel n think all this while about certain things in life,that it has always been there deep in your guts,only that all this while uve been swallowing it down in denial,even after u gag again n again trying to keep it that way.

so with this small step,i hope that i can finally make a difference in my life.i hope that there's more of my inner conscious to be 'unearthed',realised n understood.so that i can understand myself better.so i can see clearly what i really am and what i could be.for myself.for dayang.for everybody in this whole fucking big round rock that we call earth.

insyaallah.