broken fixtures

there's a few times that ive asked some of my friends,and of course,dayang,a question that i began to realize that its actually far more serious than how the people ive asked would actually imagine it would be.actually,i think they would only see it as a joke.or just a mere sarcastic question that came out of my wishful thinking of trying to make a joke in any awkward situations where the crowd would suddenly go silent,u know what i mean?or is it just that?i thought it was just that myself,but somehow i knew, i knew that it somehow had the tiniest sense of pure honesty lingering somewhere behind my snickering voice, trying to sound funny and stupid all at the same time.

the question was(and always would be,i think):
"AM I A TROUBLED PERSON?"(somehow,in a disturbing kinda way,if u understand what im trying to say)

well,if u could imagine how people would see and understand the question,the answer didnt actually mean that much in any other way,u know.it would either be a really sarcastic notion,or really snappy one,to bite back my stupid question.but i wonder.i wonder what the answer really is.if they were really honestly answering it.if i were really honestly asking it.if i were to be poised in such a position,that requires me to answer that question really honestly,i would definitely answer
"YES."

because i realized(a few years back,when i finally began to see the prospects of life)that im actually a troubled person.yes of course,on the outside - i always had bad first impressions,either they hate me or they fear me - but,what im actually seeing here is the psychological stress and the interpersonal conflicts within me,of how i fail to define myself who or what i really am,or even was and would be,as far as im concerned.

so yeah,all in all,im actually confused.well,that's just another normal episode in life,rite?sigh.hope it'll be over.n it can pass through me like nothing but a tiny breeze.well.i dont even know most of what i just spoke of actually,it just came out like tired,dripping,metal-tasted water from the tip of a rusty water tap in a dusty and weedy sun scorched wasteland somewhere in Penang.(WTF???)