Monday, December 13, 2010


have u ever been in a situation where you know there's somebody looking at you or being very(uncomfortably) close to you that its like u can feel it or something?well,hatred is like just know when people hate you.

one thing about me.i've always had problems with people.everywhere i go,anywhere in the world,any type of society or a group of people that i face,there's ALWAYS people that hates me.if their not telling me,their definitely showing it to me that they do.there's always something about me that ticks them of,sometimes i just dont know what.maybe you'll say its just like a paranoia or something,but they really do.

im just never good with people.when i was a kid,i lived with my grandmother(al-fatihah for you,wan).i never had much friends then.because i've always had this feeling that i felt they were stupid and never could understand the things i see or understood.when i talk about the things i read about dinosaurs or gravity or stars they'll just talk about barney and dragonball.i remember a few kids that were my friends my only friends.because they were the only ones i felt that were smart enough and understood me,only to the certain its like i picked the least worse out of the worst.i know its mean,but thats what i felt those,i was just a kid.ive always been that kid with a pencil and a sketchbook,sitting in a corner of a house,just draw and draw and draw my own world.even during family functions when all my cousins were playing around together,id just be sitting alone and drawing.sometimes they would come by and look at my drawings and go 'wow its pretty' 'its very beautiful',but all i wanted was for them to go away and leave me alone.i just wanted to be alone.i feel weird when people touch me or if i have to share something with somebody else,so ive always stayed close to my grandmother,or my parents if she's not there,and my cousins aunts and uncles would always tease me bout it and make fun of me and call me names like 'manja' or 'big baby'.but i just really didnt care,because to me then they were just loud,dumb little creatures and i cant help the way i feel about people.

i went to kindergarden,i only lasted there for two days.because i hated the first day,the teacher was teaching us words,so the first word for the day was loudly she screamed 'epal' (remember its an english class) and drew a circle on the whiteboard with a pink chalk, then everybody followed her,saying 'e-pal'. everybody except i stood up politely,went to the teacher and the took the chalk from her hand and drew an apple with a stem and a leaf,on the whiteboard.then i said 'apple'.my grandmother had had a hard time that evening when she came to pick me up,apologising to the teacher,because the people there were her friends.and thats when i saw it.the glance she shot me.the same glance that i get from certain people until today that i just know theres a piece of hatred in it,piercing through theyre eyes into mine.i grandmother explained to me what i did was rude,but i couldnt understand.i just thought what she drew and said was wrong,and wanted to fix it.but they didnt understand i quitted kindergarden.thats when my aunt who studied english in canada came back to malaysia and thaught at home.from that point on,i became more and more detached from people.

i dont hate people,its hard to explain what i feel about them.i dont make friends easily because im hard i guess,and i dont really mix around.and by that people would always think im arrogant.but truthfully i just dont know some point sometimes i feel like im scared of them.when i was in school,even in high school,when i talk to people ive always avoided eye contact.i just cant.and i was scared shit of girls.i dont even know how to talk when im around them.and THAT,is something that i still am until today.but other than that i think im getting a bit better at it.i think.though i still dont want to just be friends with everybody that i see.friends are a really defined word to me,i keep it my real friends are not just my 'friends'.ugh i dont know how to explain that either.

but lately,ive been getting this hate aura so much.i know its because of that 'flaw' that i have,the missing skill that i cant seem to catch up in time,but sometimes i feel like ive tried so hard but people still do hate me.for the past year,ive been losing people that means a lot to very best friends,among the closest that i have ever had in my life.honestly,i dont really need them to love me,but just dont hate me.i dont really need them to remember me everyday,just acknowledge me.i dont really need them to make me feel good about myself,just dont make me feel worse.i've been alone all my life since i was a kid,living with my grandmother,no parents,no friends,i can handle loneliness on my not asking you to help make me feel better,im jus begging you to not hate me thats all.

my bestfriend who knows me from head to toe,who've been with me for four years together through every pain and joy,who ive thought to be so very beautiful no matter how fat she thinks she is or how bad she thinks shes dressed up,who ive thought to be awesome without any make up on,who ive thought to be cool no matter if she doesnt have piercing or wear ripped jeans or play guitar,who ive thought always had a secret artistic talent she have to discover and try to encourage her everytime she feels she's talentless,now hates me to pieces and smiles at every chance she gets to make me cry.just because i decided to leave her,because i dont think we could make each other happy.i know she would never be happy of me if i stayed,and now i guess she should know that i had a point.because she is much happier with her new why does she still keep the grudge?im not gonna say much about her because she has a life now,and i NEVER want to interrupt that.thats what i thought of when i decided to leave her,and now she got it,and it means i have complied to my purpose in doing that so id like her to keep being happy now.but it doesnt mean i dont see her as the greatest best friend i had ever had,and i dont feel a thing when she treats me like an enemy.when we were still in the midst of breaking up,i did told her id still love her,only in a different way, even if she hates me n even if she decides to stab me with a knife right in the heart,i really really meant it.because thats how i feel right now.

another best friend who i was with through every one of her past 5 or 6 relationships,and tried to help her fix each one of them as far as i can go without interrupting with their privacy and being too nosy,and try to be there for her as much as i can.and because i did one mistake,i broke our vor not to drink licquor,she labelled me as her 'wild life',and she needed to be away from that(me) in the meantime while shes madly in love with this guy who stupidly judged her and decided to leave her when she drank with me when WE broke our vows together.for her,i called the guy.apologised,and it was me who forced her into it,even though he told me'dont blame yourself,she wanted to be forced',i said no.i WAS me. but did she stop me when she realised my life was going down the drain?no.did she try to stop me?no.did she reject my honourable invitation to join me in drinking?no.does she even remember i tried to stop her from drinking more,even though she said 'just a lil' in the beginning?no.did i ever say to her'hey free yourself this weekend,im staying over at your house and we're going to the clubs'?no.that was her.i never judged her.ive always say one thing i have always respected of her,and i still look highly of her for that until today,no matter how much of a party monster she is,she NEVER cheats on her boyfriend.but now,she said i am her 'wild' fucking life,and she needs some time alone,away from me???yes.amazing.

and this good friend of mine and his girlfriend.(that's what they are,a couple,they just dont see it yet and ive tried so hard to make them understand that,but i guess its obsolete).a decade of which ive known him.i try so hard to be a good friend to him,through his MASSIVE temper and sensitivity,his fussiness immaturity and such.when people say all that of him,i just say thats just him,and i accept it because i want to.because he sees and understood my weaknesses least thats what i think.when his first girlfriend left him,i took the courage to talk to somebody i dont even know and tried to explain to her how devastated he was when she left him.they got back together.i became friends with her.when she broke up again with her for some reason,he wanted me to delete her from my FB account,because a 'friend to an enemy was enemy' i guess.we was childish.but at last i succumbed,and deleted her.since then,she hated me.she forgave me after i explained to her what happened,but things were never like before anymore.its just really sad because she was really nice to me even though she's a thousand miles away in the U.S. and we never met.and now with his new girlfriend,i always try to connect the ends with them,because i KNOW he loves her and i know he can be happy with her,he just chooses not to for some reason.once in a while she would call me or text me and id always have the best intention to try and help her,and explain to her how he is,when all his other friends never really cared about her.and for some reason now,he's not talking to me and ignoring my 'discreet' attempts to start a conversation on twitter.because recently we had an argument where i had to delay an appointment we were supposed to have with a printer company and a trophy making company because they had another client that they saw as more profitable than he was at that time.i had to beg them and told them he was my best friend,and i'll do all the designs myself so the charges would be cheaper,so these companies agreed.but he cancelled the meeting just because it was delayed for two hours,and had to interfere with his 'hangout time' with his buddies.the two company's directors said i was a waste of time,and immature in handling appointments,and by the looks of it im never gonna be doing printing again because i my reputation was flawed that night.if only he understood the real world,how things work in real working life.ive been doing so many different jobs,and your appointments gets shoved aside like dirt is a normal thing,especially if youre a nobody from an unknown company.i just hope he'll understand that one day,and remember what i told him about now he is not talking to me,and i guess they have a whole hate group againts me now because his girlfriend is ignoring me too,for some reason that i have no idea why.thats what she did to a guy who tried to destroyed her relationship with him,so is it fair for me to get the same treatment?she was really nice before,i dont know how it came to this,and im really tired to find out.i know one when he's done being mad he'll just say 'oh i didnt realise u messaged me or tweeted me' or 'why are u so mad,chill lah',and act like nothing happened,because thats just his style,but im tired of that really makes me sad that people just toy with my feelings.

im not mad,and i dont hate them.never did and never will.i just dont understand,and i just dont like the feeling of people hating me because i just hate it,i have been getting it since i was a kid and it hurts just ranting here to express myself,i just have to let this all out because its killing me.because so far this is the only way that i can feel like im talking to somebody that wouldnt judge me or say anything,and just listen.a laptop screen.i guess thats the closest i have of a best friend right i said,i dont really need you to love me,just dont hate me.i dont really need you to remember me everyday,just acknowledge me.and im not asking u to help me feel better of myself and my life,im just begging you to not make me feel worse.

p/s:if somehow you are reading this and feel offended,i am TRULY VERY SORRY of what i did or say that have offended u in any way.i love u guys even if u hate me,no matter how mad u are to me and my feeling for u guys would never change.

im sorry if i just cant feel the same anymore.


the memories flutter in my mind
like fireflies in the silent night.
i keep them in a clear glass jar
in the dusty corner of a secret closet.
i take them out to light the room
when the day is filled with gloom.
i doesnt really take away the sorrow
but sometimes it just makes me smile for tomorrow.