Thursday, December 11, 2008

between blissful chaos and malicious serenity

im in penang ryte now.running away.away from all the chaotic tremors thats been causing my brains to shake like a spoiled 1980's hitachi blender, spinning it's pink slushy insides (brains ARE pink...kan..?well adam once told me bout it's real colour but i cant really seem to remember)and vibrating convulsively, all at d same time and it made me feel lyk i could puke my brains out trough my nose any time's very depressing.sometyms i wish i cud sleep it off,u know lyk just sleep for more than 12 hours or so,hoping that the throbs would dissapear;only to find out later that it yeah,i ran way.the word 'run' seems to be implying how cowardly i am in facing these issues, and yeah,i cudve chosen any other words among the very limited vocab collection in my very limited memory space of 1.44MB,but i didnt.coz i really literally meant practically running away, being the coward i always was.its jus dat i ccant take it.i jus need to not think bout all these things for a while.

but now that im here,im starting to realize that i didnt really got away from them.(my probs)not that i didnt ran fast enough or far enough,it's just dat i was not really running.u know,like how can u really run, if u keep looking behind, looking back to check whether anything has been catching up on u.but in reality,u're only looking back coz ur actually hoping dat sumtin IS catching up on u so dat u keep running.u get wat i mean?

but now that ive come this far,(ceh macam betul2 lari nih!)i actually came to a conclusion that it wont work, this running away thing.yeah,i can pretend to be enjoying all the beAutiful calm sandy salty beaches,and the sceneries which i wish so muc i cud snap if only i had a camera,and the streets which i really love,and d food which i wish dat they'll b shops selling them in subang,and the people that really doesnt know how to drive,and watever,but..i dunno.i just dont.i dont actually wana b here.i wanna b there,back home, nad look into all those troubles straight in the eye and say..."how u doin?". coz d further i try to drift my mind away,the closer i get to realising that it's nothing but sweet yeah,ther goes my nike air running shoes,my soft and sweat-absorbing cotton wristband, and my back-pack full of coward-flavoured redbull bottles that's kept me going, coz im done with lying to done with running away,and i wanna get things done.(am i repeating that word too much?) this tym im making things happen.

i'll b back in subang 2moro evening kot.
so goodbye penang,
and hello misery!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

failure bites

well...things have been going pretty hectic for the past few weeks....ive barely had time for myself...(even for dayang)...i was mesed up,both physically, and mentally...up in shambles...down the words can describe it...the only thing that ever made me feel like: "i dont belong here!" or "why am i here?!" or "shit i want out!"....damn...

bunyi macam dasyat kan?'s just...

nah,its not that hard actually...really.sleeping disorder.eating disorder.weight loss.stink and stench.baggy eyes.dehydration.thats all.nothing much right?harhar... sleeping is a luxury in times like times where u only sleep or eat when u really feel u need to,and u do it in a way that you could be defined as a pure funtionalist, where everything must have a reason to it.damn.i hate it.but so muc as i hate it,it happened the way it was coz i allowed it own laziness and ignorance led me to them.i was distracted.wat more cud i say?i really dont have no alibis to back me up on yeah,i deserved it;the hardships and all...

but i kept goin...i did it all,those tormented nights of drafting and drawing and colouring till dawn till noon and till night again,those sleepless nights,and days,and nights again, those mugs and mugs of caffeine and boxes after boxes of ciggs and everything; i did it all for one reason...coz i was driven...long gone are the times when passion and obsession and desires of design used to fuel me....tis time i was driven by something,something so strong that it made me feel ive never worked this hard before,something that i tried to deny but somehow i know its just behind my me,waiting,prowling,breathing at my fucking neck, just waiting for the right time to strike...

its FEAR...yep,fear...the fear of failure...not 'failure' failure,but the failure of design,the subject,the goddamn syllabus....damn...i just don wana fail design... don wana face another semester in this friggin place...i just dont...somehow i know frm the start that i was gonna fail this sem...and now im really facing the fact that i may b failing...haih....ive been hearing things,and it aint good...i just don feel lucky anymore,i just fel that i wont be getting away with murder this time...

god help me.....


p/s:sorry for the typo errors,keyboard x best

Monday, October 13, 2008

broken fixtures

there's a few times that ive asked some of my friends,and of course,dayang,a question that i began to realize that its actually far more serious than how the people ive asked would actually imagine it would be.actually,i think they would only see it as a joke.or just a mere sarcastic question that came out of my wishful thinking of trying to make a joke in any awkward situations where the crowd would suddenly go silent,u know what i mean?or is it just that?i thought it was just that myself,but somehow i knew, i knew that it somehow had the tiniest sense of pure honesty lingering somewhere behind my snickering voice, trying to sound funny and stupid all at the same time.

the question was(and always would be,i think):
"AM I A TROUBLED PERSON?"(somehow,in a disturbing kinda way,if u understand what im trying to say)

well,if u could imagine how people would see and understand the question,the answer didnt actually mean that much in any other way,u would either be a really sarcastic notion,or really snappy one,to bite back my stupid question.but i wonder.i wonder what the answer really is.if they were really honestly answering it.if i were really honestly asking it.if i were to be poised in such a position,that requires me to answer that question really honestly,i would definitely answer

because i realized(a few years back,when i finally began to see the prospects of life)that im actually a troubled person.yes of course,on the outside - i always had bad first impressions,either they hate me or they fear me - but,what im actually seeing here is the psychological stress and the interpersonal conflicts within me,of how i fail to define myself who or what i really am,or even was and would be,as far as im concerned.

so yeah,all in all,im actually confused.well,that's just another normal episode in life,rite?sigh.hope it'll be over.n it can pass through me like nothing but a tiny breeze.well.i dont even know most of what i just spoke of actually,it just came out like tired,dripping,metal-tasted water from the tip of a rusty water tap in a dusty and weedy sun scorched wasteland somewhere in Penang.(WTF???)

Thursday, October 9, 2008

one small step for a big messed up fool,one giant leap for a little change in life

so here it starts.
im beginning to realize that maybe,just maybe,with this little thing here,i can make a big difference in how i face my life.thanks to dayang,she's always been so enthusiastic in writing blogs n all,that it triggered me.maybe this is what i need.maybe this is how i can make ends meet.maybe its time i need to look at life differently,n furthermore,to digest n express them differently.

so why am i doing this?
its because ive started to see that i need some kind of foundation,that i can be fixed on to,to keep me keep me keep me a way,to keep me awake.coz all these years ive realized that ive been living in a dream.a dream that i made make it look like how i wanted to make it look like every thing's see,feel,hear,experience,n accept only wat i allow myself to.i wanted them to be real so much i that i pretended it to be real.but theyre not.i feed myself with lies,n make myself believe that theyre real,how pathetic is that?im not a realist.i never was.everything i wanted to do,to achieve,are just mere fragments in my head that i cant really seem to grasp n deliver them.

so that's it.i have get up.i have to be real.
that's when i thought,there must be a really good reason why dayang writes.i see her as an idol.whatever that she does always had something good in it.they always i realized that i need to look at things in a different way n start writing too.i remembered her telling me once that writing are a good way to express here i am.i just need to spill it all out coz its been pooling in my head for far too long that it feels like thick sludge is gurgling in my brain,clogging every vein,if they ever even existed.

yeah.i do feel like im 'expressing' myself.coz ive always been a sucker at these things,verbally.i just cant seem to talk to people easily bout wat i feel.its not like i dont want to or anything,but i just cant.dayang always told me to express myself towards her,but ive always failed to do it in a way that normal people would do.even towards dont talk bout telling other people other than her,thats more unlikely to i guess writing's the way.dayang's right.i have to let it all out.its bout letting out what u feel,what u me,writing is like making u see n understand what you yourself feel n think all this while about certain things in life,that it has always been there deep in your guts,only that all this while uve been swallowing it down in denial,even after u gag again n again trying to keep it that way.

so with this small step,i hope that i can finally make a difference in my life.i hope that there's more of my inner conscious to be 'unearthed',realised n that i can understand myself i can see clearly what i really am and what i could be.for myself.for dayang.for everybody in this whole fucking big round rock that we call earth.