Monday, October 13, 2008

broken fixtures

there's a few times that ive asked some of my friends,and of course,dayang,a question that i began to realize that its actually far more serious than how the people ive asked would actually imagine it would be.actually,i think they would only see it as a joke.or just a mere sarcastic question that came out of my wishful thinking of trying to make a joke in any awkward situations where the crowd would suddenly go silent,u know what i mean?or is it just that?i thought it was just that myself,but somehow i knew, i knew that it somehow had the tiniest sense of pure honesty lingering somewhere behind my snickering voice, trying to sound funny and stupid all at the same time.

the question was(and always would be,i think):
"AM I A TROUBLED PERSON?"(somehow,in a disturbing kinda way,if u understand what im trying to say)

well,if u could imagine how people would see and understand the question,the answer didnt actually mean that much in any other way,u would either be a really sarcastic notion,or really snappy one,to bite back my stupid question.but i wonder.i wonder what the answer really is.if they were really honestly answering it.if i were really honestly asking it.if i were to be poised in such a position,that requires me to answer that question really honestly,i would definitely answer

because i realized(a few years back,when i finally began to see the prospects of life)that im actually a troubled person.yes of course,on the outside - i always had bad first impressions,either they hate me or they fear me - but,what im actually seeing here is the psychological stress and the interpersonal conflicts within me,of how i fail to define myself who or what i really am,or even was and would be,as far as im concerned.

so yeah,all in all,im actually confused.well,that's just another normal episode in life,rite?sigh.hope it'll be over.n it can pass through me like nothing but a tiny breeze.well.i dont even know most of what i just spoke of actually,it just came out like tired,dripping,metal-tasted water from the tip of a rusty water tap in a dusty and weedy sun scorched wasteland somewhere in Penang.(WTF???)

Thursday, October 9, 2008

one small step for a big messed up fool,one giant leap for a little change in life

so here it starts.
im beginning to realize that maybe,just maybe,with this little thing here,i can make a big difference in how i face my life.thanks to dayang,she's always been so enthusiastic in writing blogs n all,that it triggered me.maybe this is what i need.maybe this is how i can make ends meet.maybe its time i need to look at life differently,n furthermore,to digest n express them differently.

so why am i doing this?
its because ive started to see that i need some kind of foundation,that i can be fixed on to,to keep me keep me keep me a way,to keep me awake.coz all these years ive realized that ive been living in a dream.a dream that i made make it look like how i wanted to make it look like every thing's see,feel,hear,experience,n accept only wat i allow myself to.i wanted them to be real so much i that i pretended it to be real.but theyre not.i feed myself with lies,n make myself believe that theyre real,how pathetic is that?im not a realist.i never was.everything i wanted to do,to achieve,are just mere fragments in my head that i cant really seem to grasp n deliver them.

so that's it.i have get up.i have to be real.
that's when i thought,there must be a really good reason why dayang writes.i see her as an idol.whatever that she does always had something good in it.they always i realized that i need to look at things in a different way n start writing too.i remembered her telling me once that writing are a good way to express here i am.i just need to spill it all out coz its been pooling in my head for far too long that it feels like thick sludge is gurgling in my brain,clogging every vein,if they ever even existed.

yeah.i do feel like im 'expressing' myself.coz ive always been a sucker at these things,verbally.i just cant seem to talk to people easily bout wat i feel.its not like i dont want to or anything,but i just cant.dayang always told me to express myself towards her,but ive always failed to do it in a way that normal people would do.even towards dont talk bout telling other people other than her,thats more unlikely to i guess writing's the way.dayang's right.i have to let it all out.its bout letting out what u feel,what u me,writing is like making u see n understand what you yourself feel n think all this while about certain things in life,that it has always been there deep in your guts,only that all this while uve been swallowing it down in denial,even after u gag again n again trying to keep it that way.

so with this small step,i hope that i can finally make a difference in my life.i hope that there's more of my inner conscious to be 'unearthed',realised n that i can understand myself i can see clearly what i really am and what i could be.for myself.for dayang.for everybody in this whole fucking big round rock that we call earth.