one small step for a big messed up fool,one giant leap for a little change in life

so here it starts.
im beginning to realize that maybe,just maybe,with this little thing here,i can make a big difference in how i face my life.thanks to dayang,she's always been so enthusiastic in writing blogs n all,that it triggered me.maybe this is what i need.maybe this is how i can make ends meet.maybe its time i need to look at life differently,n furthermore,to digest n express them differently.

so why am i doing this?
its because ive started to see that i need some kind of foundation,that i can be fixed on to,to keep me grounded.to keep me sane.to keep me sober.in a way,to keep me awake.coz all these years ive realized that ive been living in a dream.a dream that i made myself.to make it look like how i wanted to be.to make it look like every thing's ok.to see,feel,hear,experience,n accept only wat i allow myself to.i wanted them to be real so much i that i pretended it to be real.but theyre not.i feed myself with lies,n make myself believe that theyre real,how pathetic is that?im not a realist.i never was.everything i wanted to do,to achieve,are just mere fragments in my head that i cant really seem to grasp n deliver them.

so that's it.i have get up.i have to be real.
that's when i thought,there must be a really good reason why dayang writes.i see her as an idol.whatever that she does always had something good in it.they always do.so i realized that i need to look at things in a different way n start writing too.i remembered her telling me once that writing are a good way to express yourselves.so here i am.i just need to spill it all out coz its been pooling in my head for far too long that it feels like thick sludge is gurgling in my brain,clogging every vein,if they ever even existed.

yeah.i do feel like im 'expressing' myself.coz ive always been a sucker at these things,verbally.i just cant seem to talk to people easily bout wat i feel.its not like i dont want to or anything,but i just cant.dayang always told me to express myself towards her,but ive always failed to do it in a way that normal people would do.even towards dayang.god.so dont talk bout telling other people other than her,thats more unlikely to happen.so i guess writing's the way.dayang's right.i have to let it all out.its bout letting out what u feel,what u think.to me,writing is like making u see n understand what you yourself feel n think all this while about certain things in life,that it has always been there deep in your guts,only that all this while uve been swallowing it down in denial,even after u gag again n again trying to keep it that way.

so with this small step,i hope that i can finally make a difference in my life.i hope that there's more of my inner conscious to be 'unearthed',realised n understood.so that i can understand myself better.so i can see clearly what i really am and what i could be.for myself.for dayang.for everybody in this whole fucking big round rock that we call earth.

insyaallah.