Monday, December 13, 2010

hatred?

have u ever been in a situation where you know there's somebody looking at you or being very(uncomfortably) close to you that its like u can feel it or something?well,hatred is like that.you just know when people hate you.

one thing about me.i've always had problems with people.everywhere i go,anywhere in the world,any type of society or a group of people that i face,there's ALWAYS people that hates me.if their not telling me,their definitely showing it to me that they do.there's always something about me that ticks them of,sometimes i just dont know what.maybe you'll say its just like a paranoia or something,but they really do.

im just never good with people.when i was a kid,i lived with my grandmother(al-fatihah for you,wan).i never had much friends then.because i've always had this feeling that i felt they were stupid and never could understand the things i see or understood.when i talk about the things i read about dinosaurs or gravity or stars they'll just talk about barney and dragonball.i remember a few kids that were my friends there.like my only friends.because they were the only ones i felt that were smart enough and understood me,only to the certain extend.so its like i picked the least worse out of the worst.i know its mean,but thats what i felt those days.plus,i was just a kid.ive always been that kid with a pencil and a sketchbook,sitting in a corner of a house,just draw and draw and draw my own world.even during family functions when all my cousins were playing around together,id just be sitting alone and drawing.sometimes they would come by and look at my drawings and go 'wow its pretty' 'its very beautiful',but all i wanted was for them to go away and leave me alone.i just wanted to be alone.i feel weird when people touch me or if i have to share something with somebody else,so ive always stayed close to my grandmother,or my parents if she's not there,and my cousins aunts and uncles would always tease me bout it and make fun of me and call me names like 'manja' or 'big baby'.but i just really didnt care,because to me then they were just loud,dumb little creatures and i cant help the way i feel about people.

i went to kindergarden,i only lasted there for two days.because i hated it.one the first day,the teacher was teaching us words,so the first word for the day was apple.so loudly she screamed 'epal' (remember its an english class) and drew a circle on the whiteboard with a pink chalk, then everybody followed her,saying 'e-pal'. everybody except me.so i stood up politely,went to the teacher and the took the chalk from her hand and drew an apple with a stem and a leaf,on the whiteboard.then i said 'apple'.my grandmother had had a hard time that evening when she came to pick me up,apologising to the teacher,because the people there were her friends.and thats when i saw it.the glance she shot me.the same glance that i get from certain people until today that i just know theres a piece of hatred in it,piercing through theyre eyes into mine.i grandmother explained to me what i did was rude,but i couldnt understand.i just thought what she drew and said was wrong,and wanted to fix it.but they didnt understand either.so i quitted kindergarden.thats when my aunt who studied english in canada came back to malaysia and thaught at home.from that point on,i became more and more detached from people.

i dont hate people,its hard to explain what i feel about them.i dont make friends easily because im hard i guess,and i dont really mix around.and by that people would always think im arrogant.but truthfully i just dont know how.at some point sometimes i feel like im scared of them.when i was in school,even in high school,when i talk to people ive always avoided eye contact.i just cant.and i was scared shit of girls.i dont even know how to talk when im around them.and THAT,is something that i still am until today.but other than that i think im getting a bit better at it.i think.though i still dont want to just be friends with everybody that i see.friends are a really defined word to me,i keep it exclusive.so my real friends are not just my 'friends'.ugh i dont know how to explain that either.

but lately,ive been getting this hate aura so much.i know its because of that 'flaw' that i have,the missing skill that i cant seem to catch up in time,but sometimes i feel like ive tried so hard but people still do hate me.for the past year,ive been losing people that means a lot to me.my very best friends,among the closest that i have ever had in my life.honestly,i dont really need them to love me,but just dont hate me.i dont really need them to remember me everyday,just acknowledge me.i dont really need them to make me feel good about myself,just dont make me feel worse.i've been alone all my life since i was a kid,living with my grandmother,no parents,no friends,i can handle loneliness on my own.im not asking you to help make me feel better,im jus begging you to not hate me thats all.

my bestfriend who knows me from head to toe,who've been with me for four years together through every pain and joy,who ive thought to be so very beautiful no matter how fat she thinks she is or how bad she thinks shes dressed up,who ive thought to be awesome without any make up on,who ive thought to be cool no matter if she doesnt have piercing or wear ripped jeans or play guitar,who ive thought always had a secret artistic talent she have to discover and try to encourage her everytime she feels she's talentless,now hates me to pieces and smiles at every chance she gets to make me cry.just because i decided to leave her,because i dont think we could make each other happy.i know she would never be happy of me if i stayed,and now i guess she should know that i had a point.because she is much happier with her new life.so why does she still keep the grudge?im not gonna say much about her because she has a life now,and i NEVER want to interrupt that.thats what i thought of when i decided to leave her,and now she got it,and it means i have complied to my purpose in doing that so id like her to keep being happy now.but it doesnt mean i dont see her as the greatest best friend i had ever had,and i dont feel a thing when she treats me like an enemy.when we were still in the midst of breaking up,i did told her id still love her,only in a different way, even if she hates me n even if she decides to stab me with a knife right in the heart,i really really meant it.because thats how i feel right now.

another best friend who i was with through every one of her past 5 or 6 relationships,and tried to help her fix each one of them as far as i can go without interrupting with their privacy and being too nosy,and try to be there for her as much as i can.and because i did one mistake,i broke our vor not to drink licquor,she labelled me as her 'wild life',and she needed to be away from that(me) in the meantime while shes madly in love with this guy who stupidly judged her and decided to leave her when she drank with me when WE broke our vows together.for her,i called the guy.apologised,and it was me who forced her into it,even though he told me'dont blame yourself,she wanted to be forced',i said no.i WAS me. but did she stop me when she realised my life was going down the drain?no.did she try to stop me?no.did she reject my honourable invitation to join me in drinking?no.does she even remember i tried to stop her from drinking more,even though she said 'just a lil' in the beginning?no.did i ever say to her'hey free yourself this weekend,im staying over at your house and we're going to the clubs'?no.that was her.i never judged her.ive always say one thing i have always respected of her,and i still look highly of her for that until today,no matter how much of a party monster she is,she NEVER cheats on her boyfriend.but now,she said i am her 'wild' fucking life,and she needs some time alone,away from me???yes.amazing.

and this good friend of mine and his girlfriend.(that's what they are,a couple,they just dont see it yet and ive tried so hard to make them understand that,but i guess its obsolete).a decade of which ive known him.i try so hard to be a good friend to him,through his MASSIVE temper and sensitivity,his fussiness immaturity and such.when people say all that of him,i just say thats just him,and i accept it because i want to.because he sees and understood my weaknesses too.at least thats what i think.when his first girlfriend left him,i took the courage to talk to somebody i dont even know and tried to explain to her how devastated he was when she left him.they got back together.i became friends with her.when she broke up again with her for some reason,he wanted me to delete her from my FB account,because a 'friend to an enemy was enemy' i guess.we argued.it was childish.but at last i succumbed,and deleted her.since then,she hated me.she forgave me after i explained to her what happened,but things were never like before anymore.its just really sad because she was really nice to me even though she's a thousand miles away in the U.S. and we never met.and now with his new girlfriend,i always try to connect the ends with them,because i KNOW he loves her and i know he can be happy with her,he just chooses not to for some reason.once in a while she would call me or text me and id always have the best intention to try and help her,and explain to her how he is,when all his other friends never really cared about her.and for some reason now,he's not talking to me and ignoring my 'discreet' attempts to start a conversation on twitter.because recently we had an argument where i had to delay an appointment we were supposed to have with a printer company and a trophy making company because they had another client that they saw as more profitable than he was at that time.i had to beg them and told them he was my best friend,and i'll do all the designs myself so the charges would be cheaper,so these companies agreed.but he cancelled the meeting just because it was delayed for two hours,and had to interfere with his 'hangout time' with his buddies.the two company's directors said i was a waste of time,and immature in handling appointments,and by the looks of it im never gonna be doing printing again because i my reputation was flawed that night.if only he understood the real world,how things work in real working life.ive been doing so many different jobs,and your appointments gets shoved aside like dirt is a normal thing,especially if youre a nobody from an unknown company.i just hope he'll understand that one day,and remember what i told him about it.so now he is not talking to me,and i guess they have a whole hate group againts me now because his girlfriend is ignoring me too,for some reason that i have no idea why.thats what she did to a guy who tried to destroyed her relationship with him,so is it fair for me to get the same treatment?she was really nice before,i dont know how it came to this,and im really tired to find out.i know one when he's done being mad he'll just say 'oh i didnt realise u messaged me or tweeted me' or 'why are u so mad,chill lah',and act like nothing happened,because thats just his style,but im tired of that too.it really makes me sad that people just toy with my feelings.

im not mad,and i dont hate them.never did and never will.i just dont understand,and i just dont like the feeling of people hating me because i just hate it,i have been getting it since i was a kid and it hurts sometimes.im just ranting here to express myself,i just have to let this all out because its killing me.because so far this is the only way that i can feel like im talking to somebody that wouldnt judge me or say anything,and just listen.a laptop screen.i guess thats the closest i have of a best friend right now.like i said,i dont really need you to love me,just dont hate me.i dont really need you to remember me everyday,just acknowledge me.and im not asking u to help me feel better of myself and my life,im just begging you to not make me feel worse.

p/s:if somehow you are reading this and feel offended,i am TRULY VERY SORRY of what i did or say that have offended u in any way.i love u guys even if u hate me,no matter how mad u are to me and my feeling for u guys would never change.

im sorry if i just cant feel the same anymore.

secrets.

the memories flutter in my mind
like fireflies in the silent night.
i keep them in a clear glass jar
in the dusty corner of a secret closet.
i take them out to light the room
when the day is filled with gloom.
i doesnt really take away the sorrow
but sometimes it just makes me smile for tomorrow.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Firework


katy perry looked AMAZINGLY stunning in this one.i was gonna say as usual,but in this one she just looked...more.i mean yeah she's hot (every testosterone-driven creature in the world would agree on that)but in this video she's just gorgeous, beautiful. i mean like...umm ladylike,if u catch my drift.

whatever it is,the 1st time i heard this song i was moved,seriously moved it touched me in so many ways that i can relate to.n now i just feel like bursting into colours again,like i've always did before!i love u katy perry!thank you!


video

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that tehre's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em goin "Oh, oh, oh!"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Saturday, October 30, 2010

waiting for the end

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violet rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em


We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
Thats invisible there,
Cuz we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all dissapear.

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control....

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts we're spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go...

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got


Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn't so...

What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And i don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending Is starting again!!!


Sunday, October 17, 2010

Bullets

take a loaded barrel n shove it down my throat.
pull the fucking trigger.

once for the life,
once for the pain,
and once for the memory.

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lagu sebenarnya,just a part of it.dah habis nanti saya post ye.terlampau seronok berexperiment dgn FL dgn jimbo jimboy...hardstyle core grind techno????!hahaha

Monday, September 27, 2010

25 minutes too late

somebody once told me, i always dwell upon the past, and be upset and curse at something that has happened when its already too late, instead of doing something about it in the present time before any shit happens.

n i regret that i didnt listen.

i didnt regret my decisions. i still think it was the right thing to do.coz i just had to.
but what i regret is the fact that there were so many things that went away just like that all those years.so many promises,so many plans,so mant things,so many places; that went by unfulfilled,unattended and forgotten.n it was all out of my own ignorance and negligence.i was never really a good boyfriend, and i dont think i ever will be, but realizing this really just made me feel worse, the fact just became clearer to me now.and the pain too.

ive always prayed to allah that she'll find somebody worthy religiously financially spiritually (and perhaps physically :S) to mend the damage. and she seems happy now. cool new people,cool new friends,cool activities,cool events,by cool big names. things ive always wished i could give her before,but i didnt have it. i guess thats really out of my league. im glad that she gets a life that she deserves now. not like what she had before,having to use her money for me je everyday coz i had none of my own,and the same old shit everyday,same old places,same old faces,same old activities.no wonder we got lost from each other.damn.no wonder im not worth a good memory.im like the worst memory she ever had kot.padan muka kau habil.haha.

if only i had known before.but then again,im always 25 minutes too late.micheal learns to rock would agree with that.lol.funny.i never learn.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Down the rabbit hole

Listen to the birds,
and dance to their chirps.
Tip toe down the wires, parachute with your shirts.

Look at the sky,
and taste the clouds.
Cotton candy marshmallows, with pink icing shrouds.

Smell the humid mist,
and inhale it's silence.
Tap your fingers on the breeze, send a note to the heavens.

Taste the rusty rain,
and kiss the blushing angel.
A sip after a toast, a gush after a trickle.

Touch the vigorous sprout,
and feel them whisper:
"Follow the lines on my trunk, and just dream forever".


Monday, March 29, 2010


sitting on the roadside as life goes by,and ur just watching it pass...u just might as well shut ur eyes, remember and smile, till the last bus comes and takes u away.

the man in the looking glass once told me:a girl a day keeps the heartbreak away.


when a monster lurks in ur shadow,there's only one thing left to do:KILL THE LIGHTS

Sunday, January 3, 2010

A prick from the needle,because you dealt with The Devil.

well i had fun last saturday, after days of 'labor' work, moving out from my condo to a new house back in subang again(yay!!!).so i really needed the break.even the devil needs a break!harhar.and it was good.dayang have been great, tremendous, fabulous, and (d)evilly-gorgeous help from day one!thank you my love! she slept over at my house and on saturday morning we went out for a movie with omar and sarah.we watched 'The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus'.well actually it sounds like 'darn asses'...but nevermind.

so yeah,it was a decent movie.i just love senseless fantasy stories like that where things doesnt really need a reason to happen, and the consequences doesnt really mean anything and most of the things doesnt really make any sense at all.err...that kinda sound like my life,but aaaanyway,i liked it.see, it was not a GREAT movie, i think people are just drawn to the movie like moth to fire is mainly because it starred heath ledger.it was his last movie for god's sake.oh, and not to forget, myself(ehem),jude law, and colin farrel came along to join the crew coz most of the part that involved CGIs are shot after heath ledger passed away, so they played his role, Tony.well tom waits played the devil's character, Mr.Nick, like a champ.with his smirk face and thin mustache,i felt like kicking him straight between the eye.and lily cole played Valentina, the dr parnassus' cute daughter.well,in a few scenes she actually transformed from cute to pure hotness.(she has that kind of weirdly-freaky-somehow-attractive face,like devon aoki)harhar.and she's only 21!so to cut it short,the story is about a man who made a deal...well dealS, actually...with the devil.and at one point,he actually bargained his daughter as a price for one of the bets he made with dear Satan.and then blah blah blah, happy ending.

so what's the moral of the story?simple---do not deal with the devil!

as far as it goes, one might think, hey i never dealt with the devil.i never met him.who does for god's sake?so what?we're safe?the story and it's values doesnt apply to our daily lives?this is the real world and the devil doesnt just show up one day at TESCO in the 'sports' area looking for shuttlecocks and gives you his private-line phone number?well my friends, i just realised something that day.if u really think carefully, actually we do make deals with the devil almost every day in our lifes.well...most us.well,i admit that i do.sometimes a few times a day. )))-:
if youve seen the movie,you can see how the devil makes every deal looks so easy and he's always so convincing. you'd just see the glittering prize at the end of the road, never thinking bout what you'll get along the way.and what you would actually get.you see, there's ALWAYS a catch to a deal.especially with the devil!and we're gonna have to pay for it. D-:

well,you dont actually meet the devil in person, but it does happen in a way.
think about it!---how many times in your life that that you actually thought, hey i'll just do this once.one time only.just for the sake of trying.then again.and again.and again.and then perhaps hey i'll just do this one LAST time,there's always tomorrow for redemption..im still young,i'll stop when im 60.but tomorrows just comes again and again.or, hey the world's gonna end in 2012 so we still have a long way to go till we settle down and come clean.

so u see,this is what i mean by 'dealing with the devil'.we actually gamble with our fate.i mean, what happens when theres actually no tomorrow?and i dont just mean about 'dosa' and 'pahala',good and bad,or sins and deeds here.it's not just about religious or spiritual afterlife shit im talking about here,its also about all the things we do in life,our connections,our relations,to people,to animals,everything.

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"i'll feed my pet and play with her later,cats can live for days without food."
"to hell with her,i hate her.i wont apologise, ever.in 10 years we'll forget about it and be ok."
"grandma's fine,she just had a minor accident.there's nothing serious,i'll visit her tomorrow."

but the cat didnt live for even a second more once it got ran over by a car minutes after that.
she didnt even last 10 months since the day you broke up,and she still remembered everything.
and you did came back tomorrow,only for her funeral.
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you know,if you find any of the statements above to be familiar,just think about it.what if there is no tomorrow?maybe not for your pet,your best friend,your ex,your girlfriend,your mom,your dad.everybody.including yourself.ESPECIALLY yourself.and that's when you actually lose to the devil.








"god,make me a better person this year onwards.amin"