Tuesday, November 10, 2009


oh well.it's been a while since i wrote anything in here.coz it's been pretty hectic.studies.design.uitm administrative stupidity.part-time job.life.money.

you're gonna need money to eat and drink.
you're gonna need money to sleep under a roof.
you're gonna need money to move around town.
you're gonna need money to go and watch movies.
you're gonna need money to make money.
you're gonna need money to live, basically.am i right, or am i right?

so yeah,money.every little thing these days are all about money.or is it?

you see,people are right when they say life is like a wheel.there are times you're gonna soar really high, and there are times you're come down crashing like you're never gonna see the sun again.so yeah, I've been up there before. i've never been filthy rich, but i've been there.i've been grown and trained since i was a kid, to not want things. because i just keep getting them.my age difference with my sister is a long six year span, due to two miscarriages my mom experienced before my sister came.so i had everything i wanted.i was always the first in the neighborhood to have everything.you say it:the latest game consoles, the coolest R/C car and trucks, every latest special edition LEGO toys,every latest action figure that swamped the movie screens those days.i had 2 big buckets full of LEGOs i could actually make a house i can crawl into.from tip to toe, i was dressed in the finest oshkosh b'gosh,adidas,puma stuff, u name it.and didn't even know about all that at the time.all i know was when they wanted to buy something for me, i just follow my mom or my grandmother to the mall, and i get it.

i remembered when i was in primary school, perhaps when i was 8 or 9,when i finally have a rough idea what 'value' and 'price' was, my mom wanted to buy me a shoe for raya, and i took a reebok from a shelf and paid rm150 something.well,that was pretty something back in the mid 90's.and i thought 'wow,this is quite a lot of money', but i didn't even like the shoe anyway,i just took it from the shelf because my mom told me i needed a new shoe for raya.but then the shoe only lasted for less then half of a year, and i only ended up wearing it for a few times, because i was growing up pretty fast those days and i gave it away to one of my cousins.and we went to the mall on that day itself to buy a new one because my mom felt i was 'incomplete' now that i gave my shoe away.that's when i thought, 'wow,mom paid more then a hundred bucks for something that i didn't even like, and it ended up being given to somebody else just like that?'.and he actually liked it.who doesn't like free stuff man?LOL.and back in school, i didn't have much friends to talk to about tv. whoever wanted to talk to me when i talked about tom and jerry?3x3 eyes?or anything on HBO?because i was the only one who had mega tv at that time.the grandpa of astro.haha.

but all that shit seems to be taken from us in a blink of an eye.it all started before the malaysian inflasion period in 1999 or something.my dad was being de-promoted in utusan malaya from a marketing executive to a nobody in the printing department i think, and my dad quited out of the feeling of betrayal after years of serving them and even moving to penang for them.that's when i moved to subang.my mom had to work.things were pretty much falling apart.my parents had to work real hard.they shifted from one place to another.we even at one time sold currypuffs and other kuihs at illegal stalls and even got chased away by the MPSJ like crows, scavenging our way for food.

that's when my mom asked me,
"bila cikgu tanya kat sekolah, mama dgn ayah kerja apa awak jawab apa?"

"berniaga",i answered."jual kuih."

"awak tak rasa malu ke jawab macamtu?sorry tau mama buat awak rasa malu."
that's when tears came rolling from my mother's eyes.and i was the one who comforted her and say there's no reason for me to be ashamed because i never minded.although i came from a pretty wealthy family, i was trained to live with modesty and be humble.my grandmother(al-fatihah to her) thought me that.i learned not to be too dependent on my parents as i grew up.i bought pretty much of my things myself from my own savings money(although they WERE from my parent's money too,but i had to really starve at times to be able to have them!) or through little petty businesses i've done.so i never really felt any difference of being rich or poor.yeah, being poor was hard, but i had a happy family back then with my two sisters and brother.i know 'poor' is such a strong word, and there are much poorer people in malaysia even, that's going through harder shit.but i use the word 'poor' when i said that because i was referring to what we had before.there were even a time when we didn't even have a car and we had to move around by metrobus.even when we had car,it was a rusty old peugot, one after another.and they all either got took away by the bank or got sold because we didn't have enough money to pay it on monthly basis.

till this day, our family's financial status are pretty much improving from those 'dark ages'.but i can say i never got back the life i had before as a kid.maybe the effect of it is not so big because it was short-liven, i don't know.u decide.but what i want to say is,i really dont want my brother and five sisters to go through what i went, although what they're going through right now is pretty much something too.sigh.and that's the only reason why i find money as an important commodity.only because i want to change my family's life.

when i look at (certain)people today, that only wears the most branded clothes, only uses the most talked about gadgets, only eats at the most classy fine-dine restaurants, and i thought: do they know what it feels to can only wear,eat, and use what you afford?and certain people boasts and displays this with full arrogance.people like these really makes me sick.well i'm not saying this out of jealousy or anything, and i'm not being a sour grape.i mean, yeah you have the money, so go ahead and splurge and buy expensive stuff, you earned it anyway.i really don't give a fuck.but when somebody wants to say he or she only wears this and that and look at what 'commoners' wear with the feeling of disgust, and joke about people not having money, well that kinda just hit me straight between the eye. i really don't care what these people do,say or think, well if they really wanna keep doing that, go ahead.but i don't wanna be among them because i'm not like that.i don't belong with 'rich' people.yeah,i may have zara stuff,but i'll wear kiki lala for all i care.and yeah i may have a rm500 jacket,but i don't mind bundle.seriously.at least if u really want to boast, use your own money.being rich with your parent's money really doesn't mean a lot.and a little modesty really goes a long way,u know.

so that's money to me and my life.sometimes in life, chances may come in the most peculiar ways.and being called chances,as we all know, it may fail or it may succeed.risks comes every second of our lives.i've been through shit that involves big risks, so i know how to size em' up when i see one.the less risk,the higher your potential of succeeding.one of the risk of life that i've taken:architecture school.but all i know is, i've failed it.and the consequence of that taking that risk,i've lost 4 years of my life getting nothing andd having a debt to the freaking PTPTipu.nothing?nah.i've learned lots of thing through that for years.it's just that, i don't belong to that world.and i don't need any comforting on that please.haha.i really meant that.but life goes on.all i know is i'm gonna finish it and get it over with.like my favourite lecturer always say to me every semester when i meet him for advice because i hesitate to use my 'crazy' ideas in design,"kalau nak fail,biar fail dengan style".haha.

so now im moving on to my next phase in life.i understand when people cant really comprehend and understand what i do and judge me, because not long ago i was people too.i was them.i didn't understand because i was being prejudice and judgmental.and scared of the risks.but hearing to two sides of the story really pays.i have knives up my sleeves man,this is sleazy you're talking about.haha.i spent time sizing up the risks,planning my steps,peeking through till i finally saw a way,as people were busy blabber mouthing and doing just that.and as i go,the risks really aren't that big.at least i knew that i took bigger.so i took it.

it was ME who was againts it so much, and now i'm doing it?why take the risk?it'll really take one hell of a push to move ME to take the risk out of anybody else, right?so i have my reasons.and i can answer anything you're gonna have for me.and i can prove anything that is against me wrong.i can if i want to.but i dont.because i see people around me as friends, and i respect that.and i don't expect to be respected either, because you've said and done what you wanted and i don't mind.because i know what i'm doing, and i understand what you feel.and i'm taking chances.not just for the money, but for my family.for turning back the wheel.