failure bites

well...things have been going pretty hectic for the past few weeks....ive barely had time for myself...(even for dayang)...i was mesed up,both physically, and mentally...up in shambles...down the drain...haih...no words can describe it...the only thing that ever made me feel like: "i dont belong here!" or "why am i here?!" or "shit i want out!"....damn...

bunyi macam dasyat kan?padahal...it's just...

DESIGN SUBMISSIONS

haih...penat...letih...tired....

nah,its not that hard actually...really.sleeping disorder.eating disorder.weight loss.stink and stench.baggy eyes.dehydration.thats all.nothing much right?harhar... sleeping is a luxury in times like these.in times where u only sleep or eat when u really feel u need to,and u do it in a way that you could be defined as a pure funtionalist, where everything must have a reason to it.damn.i hate it.but so muc as i hate it,it happened the way it was coz i allowed it to.sigh.my own laziness and ignorance led me to them.i was distracted.wat more cud i say?i really dont have no alibis to back me up on this.so yeah,i deserved it;the hardships and all...

but i kept goin...i did it all,those tormented nights of drafting and drawing and colouring till dawn till noon and till night again,those sleepless nights,and days,and nights again, those mugs and mugs of caffeine and boxes after boxes of ciggs and everything; i did it all for one reason...coz i was driven...long gone are the times when passion and obsession and desires of design used to fuel me....tis time i was driven by something,something so strong that it made me feel ive never worked this hard before,something that i tried to deny but somehow i know its just behind my me,waiting,prowling,breathing at my fucking neck, just waiting for the right time to strike...

its FEAR...yep,fear...the fear of failure...not 'failure' failure,but the failure of design,the subject,the goddamn syllabus....damn...i just don wana fail design... don wana face another semester in this friggin place...i just dont...somehow i know frm the start that i was gonna fail this sem...and now im really facing the fact that i may b failing...haih....ive been hearing things,and it aint good...i just don feel lucky anymore,i just fel that i wont be getting away with murder this time...

god help me.....

):

p/s:sorry for the typo errors,keyboard x best