money?

oh well.it's been a while since i wrote anything in here.coz it's been pretty hectic.studies.design.uitm administrative stupidity.part-time job.life.money.

money.

you're gonna need money to eat and drink.

you're gonna need money to sleep under a roof.

you're gonna need money to move around town.

you're gonna need money to go and watch movies.

you're gonna need money to make money.

you're gonna need money to live, basically.am i right, or am i right?

so yeah,money.every little thing these days are all about money.or is it?

you see,people are right when they say life is like a wheel.there are times you're gonna soar really high, and there are times you're come down crashing like you're never gonna see the sun again.so yeah, I've been up there before. i've never been filthy rich, but i've been there.i've been grown and trained since i was a kid, to not want things. because i just keep getting them.my age difference with my sister is a long six year span, due to two miscarriages my mom experienced before my sister came.so i had everything i wanted.i was always the first in the neighborhood to have everything.you say it:the latest game consoles, the coolest R/C car and trucks, every latest special edition LEGO toys,every latest action figure that swamped the movie screens those days.i had 2 big buckets full of LEGOs i could actually make a house i can crawl into.from tip to toe, i was dressed in the finest oshkosh b'gosh,adidas,puma stuff, u name it.and didn't even know about all that at the time.all i know was when they wanted to buy something for me, i just follow my mom or my grandmother to the mall, and i get it.

i remembered when i was in primary school, perhaps when i was 8 or 9,when i finally have a rough idea what 'value' and 'price' was, my mom wanted to buy me a shoe for raya, and i took a reebok from a shelf and paid rm150 something.well,that was pretty something back in the mid 90's.and i thought 'wow,this is quite a lot of money', but i didn't even like the shoe anyway,i just took it from the shelf because my mom told me i needed a new shoe for raya.but then the shoe only lasted for less then half of a year, and i only ended up wearing it for a few times, because i was growing up pretty fast those days and i gave it away to one of my cousins.and we went to the mall on that day itself to buy a new one because my mom felt i was 'incomplete' now that i gave my shoe away.that's when i thought, 'wow,mom paid more then a hundred bucks for something that i didn't even like, and it ended up being given to somebody else just like that?'.and he actually liked it.who doesn't like free stuff man?LOL.and back in school, i didn't have much friends to talk to about tv. whoever wanted to talk to me when i talked about tom and jerry?3x3 eyes?or anything on HBO?because i was the only one who had mega tv at that time.the grandpa of astro.haha.

but all that shit seems to be taken from us in a blink of an eye.it all started before the malaysian inflasion period in 1999 or something.my dad was being de-promoted in utusan malaya from a marketing executive to a nobody in the printing department i think, and my dad quited out of the feeling of betrayal after years of serving them and even moving to penang for them.that's when i moved to subang.my mom had to work.things were pretty much falling apart.my parents had to work real hard.they shifted from one place to another.we even at one time sold currypuffs and other kuihs at illegal stalls and even got chased away by the MPSJ like crows, scavenging our way for food.

that's when my mom asked me,

"bila cikgu tanya kat sekolah, mama dgn ayah kerja apa awak jawab apa?"

"berniaga",i answered."jual kuih."

"awak tak rasa malu ke jawab macamtu?sorry tau mama buat awak rasa malu."

that's when tears came rolling from my mother's eyes.and i was the one who comforted her and say there's no reason for me to be ashamed because i never minded.although i came from a pretty wealthy family, i was trained to live with modesty and be humble.my grandmother(al-fatihah to her) thought me that.i learned not to be too dependent on my parents as i grew up.i bought pretty much of my things myself from my own savings money(although they WERE from my parent's money too,but i had to really starve at times to be able to have them!) or through little petty businesses i've done.so i never really felt any difference of being rich or poor.yeah, being poor was hard, but i had a happy family back then with my two sisters and brother.i know 'poor' is such a strong word, and there are much poorer people in malaysia even, that's going through harder shit.but i use the word 'poor' when i said that because i was referring to what we had before.there were even a time when we didn't even have a car and we had to move around by metrobus.even when we had car,it was a rusty old peugot, one after another.and they all either got took away by the bank or got sold because we didn't have enough money to pay it on monthly basis.

till this day, our family's financial status are pretty much improving from those 'dark ages'.but i can say i never got back the life i had before as a kid.maybe the effect of it is not so big because it was short-liven, i don't know.u decide.but what i want to say is,i really dont want my brother and five sisters to go through what i went, although what they're going through right now is pretty much something too.sigh.and that's the only reason why i find money as an important commodity.only because i want to change my family's life.

when i look at (certain)people today, that only wears the most branded clothes, only uses the most talked about gadgets, only eats at the most classy fine-dine restaurants, and i thought: do they know what it feels to can only wear,eat, and use what you afford?and certain people boasts and displays this with full arrogance.people like these really makes me sick.well i'm not saying this out of jealousy or anything, and i'm not being a sour grape.i mean, yeah you have the money, so go ahead and splurge and buy expensive stuff, you earned it anyway.i really don't give a fuck.but when somebody wants to say he or she only wears this and that and look at what 'commoners' wear with the feeling of disgust, and joke about people not having money, well that kinda just hit me straight between the eye. i really don't care what these people do,say or think, well if they really wanna keep doing that, go ahead.but i don't wanna be among them because i'm not like that.i don't belong with 'rich' people.yeah,i may have zara stuff,but i'll wear kiki lala for all i care.and yeah i may have a rm500 jacket,but i don't mind bundle.seriously.at least if u really want to boast, use your own money.being rich with your parent's money really doesn't mean a lot.and a little modesty really goes a long way,u know.

so that's money to me and my life.sometimes in life, chances may come in the most peculiar ways.and being called chances,as we all know, it may fail or it may succeed.risks comes every second of our lives.i've been through shit that involves big risks, so i know how to size em' up when i see one.the less risk,the higher your potential of succeeding.one of the risk of life that i've taken:architecture school.but all i know is, i've failed it.and the consequence of that taking that risk,i've lost 4 years of my life getting nothing andd having a debt to the freaking PTPTipu.nothing?nah.i've learned lots of thing through that for years.it's just that, i don't belong to that world.and i don't need any comforting on that please.haha.i really meant that.but life goes on.all i know is i'm gonna finish it and get it over with.like my favourite lecturer always say to me every semester when i meet him for advice because i hesitate to use my 'crazy' ideas in design,"kalau nak fail,biar fail dengan style".haha.

so now im moving on to my next phase in life.i understand when people cant really comprehend and understand what i do and judge me, because not long ago i was people too.i was them.i didn't understand because i was being prejudice and judgmental.and scared of the risks.but hearing to two sides of the story really pays.i have knives up my sleeves man,this is sleazy you're talking about.haha.i spent time sizing up the risks,planning my steps,peeking through till i finally saw a way,as people were busy blabber mouthing and doing just that.and as i go,the risks really aren't that big.at least i knew that i took bigger.so i took it.

it was ME who was againts it so much, and now i'm doing it?why take the risk?it'll really take one hell of a push to move ME to take the risk out of anybody else, right?so i have my reasons.and i can answer anything you're gonna have for me.and i can prove anything that is against me wrong.i can if i want to.but i dont.because i see people around me as friends, and i respect that.and i don't expect to be respected either, because you've said and done what you wanted and i don't mind.because i know what i'm doing, and i understand what you feel.and i'm taking chances.not just for the money, but for my family.for turning back the wheel.

Spread the propaganda!

Hey guys, i've just finished doing another blog using this same username,u can see it on my profile page. It's actually a side project im doing with my sisters and we're actually selling pixelletes, felt stuff such as key chains and doodle dolls, and even t-shirts. But sadly enough, we're only concentrating on the pixel badges/brooches for the moment because we think all the other items still needs a little finishing touches before they'll be ready yet for market. But we'll be updating the blog soon with more items to be 'oogled' by all. ;P

So i really do hope you guys would help us spread the propaganda by following the blog, and make a few purchase along the way! ;)

Happy browsing!

wailing thoughts of a muted scream...

i've just realised something quite recently. im not sure if it had always been that way, only that it never came to my conscious self; or it had just started for whatever reasons. (from the last word to this moment, i've spent almost 15 minutes in front of the laptop trying to think how i could put this into a logic literal explanation)

its like this actually:

im thinking to myself, more like talking to myself actually, like you do when you see a mister know-it-all talking yadda yadda yadda bout how he does everything so 'efficiently' and you'll go like "yeah right. jerk off, asshole. you bribed them!". you know, things that you really want to shout straight at somebody's face, but somehow you cant really say out loud, muted by our sanity and compassions, and perhaps of fear and hypocrisy too. but recently when i do that, i actually THOUGHT i was talking to myself, then suddenly there'll be somebody responding to my 'self expressions'. and i'll be like..."erk.wha-?oh,no no.nothing"...haih...just today, it had happened 2-3 times i cant really remember. oh, and thats one more thing. im starting to forget things more chronically these days. sleep talking is one thing, but wake talking???sometimes i don't remember saying certain things even in my wake! and sometimes when i wake up from sleep, i even forget how, where and when i slept the night before.

hmm......weird.

when life catches up on you,and you werent even running.

Imagine a guy.running weakly.panting frantically.glimmering in sweat.wearing full sports gear.
adidas wristband that's soaked too much it's stating to get heavy, sleeveless Lakers jersey & shorts that's drenched in sweat,and a pair of running shoes with one of it's laces are dangling weakly on each slow and tiring strife of the poor guy's feet.

he actually felt that last push of hope when he ran up that hill(he remembered like there WAS a hill.was it?or was it just a flat muddy path?he must've been too tired too remember anything), he felt like that was the hardest part there was in that course, and told himself he could do it.just a little.a little bit more.and after that he can reward himself with a good rest, just for a while sohe can actually catch his breath again.he actually believed he could.so he did.

so then he finally stalled.it felt windy.it must be the height, he thought.hills have that effect u know.like what u've learnt in standard 6th geography.his knees trembled.he knelt down to look at them, and saw the veins bulge at every throb his heart makes.his shoes seems worn out too.the thing here is:he cant actually remember,was it like that even before he started running, or was it because he ran too far already?because, he never actually used the shoes before in his life.ever.well mayb he did.but not this serious.so he couldnt remember.there's a lot of things he cudnt remember nowdays.he didnt even remember who he was before he started running.coz he felt he was somebody else now.maybe he's now harry, the guy who lives next door that likes to tell people only what they like.or even matt, the guy he used to live together, he was a bit nice though.but he would never thought of being jarred.he hated jarred.he was a foul liar.but people always loved him.coz they dont know his lies.

but whatever it is, while all of that rubbish are going through his head now(and yours too), he started to think to himself, how far is it now since i started?he wants to look back so much, but he actually liked the idea of lying to himself, by making believe he had gone far.fearing if he looked back, he'd be dissapointed.but somehow he felt sure too.he's THAT tired anyway.he must be far away now.

so then he turned.

the road was empty.no people.no cars.nobody.only footsteps.lots of them, and most of them arent his.there mustve been lots of people before, he thought. he thought maybe he could catch up.so he turned the other side, and quinched his eyes so tard till he finally saw them.and a sigh.they were miles away now.

the best part was: he just realised, that it wasnt even a hill at all. there wasnt any.the course was flat all along.and when he turned back the moment before, he actually even saw the starting line.

damn.

(to be cont.)

grey

if it wasnt for those compassions,
how could i ever feel this disgust?
if it wasnt for that minute spark of love,
how could this flame of hatred scorch my will?

if it wasnt for those careful eyes,
then nothing would gloom beneath them now,
if it wasnt for the bitten tongue,
then why am i damned with regret?!

the faces are worn to please each half,
and to complete each turn at every feelings encountered.
we laugh and play to greet the day,
but we dread the tears to say goodnight.
while back and forth these plays would have
every pain and pleasure in black or white.

you may have ended this with our two shades
but ive been fucking lost in between all along.
we thought you'd find me, but neither did all of us.

These are the days where the rainbows seems to have lost it's colours...

ive finally came to a point in life where i dont really know what to do about it anymore....bad luck,misfortune,spontaneous accidents and mishaps...they've been catching up on me lately...praying me from behind like a pack of wolves, hungers for my tragical events...

in times like this,i feel like:
everything that i do seems to go wrong
everything that i say doesnt really make sense or change anything
nothing i do seems good enough for anybody or anything
nothing i do seems to fix anything
nobody really knows what i feel and im all alone
nobody understands what im thinking and sometimes i dont too


baru lately je...i got a serious case of eczema since i came back from bali,n it havent seem to get any better...stayed up till morning to do design,(at a firm dkat hartamas okayy,kena drive g sana)and then during the assesment, a group memeber hat was supposed to pin up the presentation came late and kena maki oleh lecturer and kena downgrade...kereta xdapat parking dalam,so i had to park outside of my apartment's gated area coz i dont have the residential sticker,dats ok coz im used to it now...but i just got a summon from the stupid MBSA for parking at d roadside...wtf???so where am i and those 50 other cars are supposed to park???and theres so many other thing on top of that....i lost my wallet last night...thank god i found it back...but thats when i found out i got a flat tire....n i got stopped by UiTM's guard 2 times in just one night...n theres just so many things(dats a bit more [ersonal to me that i cant post here publicly.more serious things,more shitty) dat just makes me feel so crappy all around...

i ust hope...i pray..that something good will come up soon...

haihhh...

the most magical moment in my life that started the rest,

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gundam is the new-er porn!!!

so i thought...soooo i thouhgt....no...no more boxes for me...now,im so fucking into GUNDAMS!!!

oowhhhyeeaaahhh baby...call me a nerd, call me a never-grow-up-kid, call me a toy freak, yeah whatever, fuck yourself coz im so into this shit now...heheee...

well i've been loving them since i was a kid, but i never really got the chance to have one.(i dunno why,coz i have all the other stuff...hmm).but recently theres been newer models and my love 4 them had just bloomed again like the first morning dew on a spring's morning!!!yay!!!

and theeeen,dayang omar and cot, my dearest darlings, bought me one for my birthday!!!yeah baby yeah baby...hohoho...best gileeee...n they bought me one that i really like pulak tu!i had damn fun putting the tiny little(sometimes annoying) pieces together...its not the big scale models,just a 1:100 so it's not as detailed as a larger scale models which has more parts, accumulation points, and well, it costs so muc more...damn...

so yeah...i love it...n i wanna say thank u sooooooooooooooo fuckng muc to:

dayang

omar

and cot

i love u guys!!!

boxes are the new PORN!

have you ever felt like...a cigerette...being smoked lazily on a hot and lazy afternoon...being held back and forth on each drag the smoker takes...and on that very long...long last drag,to the point that u'll feel the tiny tremble on the smoker's dusty fingers...uhh...and all u wanna feel at that point is being flicked.flicked away from that person u'r actually killing.away.and away.until u finally fall into a tiny puddle of last night's drizzle, and just hiss away.then, silence.

owh...that feeling.that ROMANTICISM!!!harhar...well...that's what u feel after mingling with corrugated boxes for days and nights and days again, and it goes on and on and on again and again....haihhh...

well,this semester thers an elective subject, and i decided to take furniture design(which i L-O-V-E), and the first project is a seating of 1:1 scale, and its a groupwork.meaning=we have to design a chair which can actually be used as a real seating and be tested by the lecturer on the submition day.well, its easy actually.the only prob is the material.corrugated boxes!aaargh!!!the main probis not actually bout designing it, or constructing it or anything, but its actually about FINDING A GOOD BOX!god i never thought looking for boxes would be something so fucking hard!!we spent hours(and not to mention,gallons of fuel) to look for boxes all over shah alam.cot(my group member) scouted his neighbourhood, nothing.i scouted mine, nothing.damn.we actually spent more time looking for boxes than actually designing this chair.


moral of the story is:
you'll never really realize how hard things are to find, unless when you really need it...
and that applies to everything in life, don't you think? (:

new year 'resolutions'?how bout 1024x680?can uh?

i REALLY have nothing to say right now, but i'll do wat i always did all this while, i'll just keep hitting on the keyboard as the words spill carelessly from the left side of my brain...so...the main issue here is, im BORED...as hell...seriously...i mean, the new year has started, the new sem has started, classes have started, people are starting to get started, everybody's freaking starting to start something u know wat i mean??n im right here feeling static as hell...n i just dont know why...if i were to say i havent had enough good-holiday-time,thats bullshit, coz ive been digging in some good stuff while everybody else are doin theyre practicals...its just that...i think im just not in the mood yet,u know...like, not 'in the zone' yet, to begin...well...watever i'll be beginning this year ( i cant seem to think of anything yet)....so...yeah...whatever...nevermind....

but what i DO know is, my so-called obsession n thirst for lewis carrol's adventures of alice have just been quenched when recently my sweetheart bought me the 'anotated alice in wonderland',where all the nonsense in the story are, quite weirdly enough, explained. i mean, who wouldve thought, that even the first goddamn line of the story would be something to be debated, as to whether the day was sunny or cloudy, and these fanatics had even gone poking around in the 1800's weather forecast's arcanes to freaking prove it!!!freaky huh?but all in all, its the COOLEST book EVER.i havent finished reading it yet, n i just only reached the caucus race, n i just cant wait to continue. but i left it at home. haih.

wait for me alice!