grey

if it wasnt for those compassions,
how could i ever feel this disgust?
if it wasnt for that minute spark of love,
how could this flame of hatred scorch my will?

if it wasnt for those careful eyes,
then nothing would gloom beneath them now,
if it wasnt for the bitten tongue,
then why am i damned with regret?!

the faces are worn to please each half,
and to complete each turn at every feelings encountered.
we laugh and play to greet the day,
but we dread the tears to say goodnight.
while back and forth these plays would have
every pain and pleasure in black or white.

you may have ended this with our two shades
but ive been fucking lost in between all along.
we thought you'd find me, but neither did all of us.

These are the days where the rainbows seems to have lost it's colours...

ive finally came to a point in life where i dont really know what to do about it anymore....bad luck,misfortune,spontaneous accidents and mishaps...they've been catching up on me lately...praying me from behind like a pack of wolves, hungers for my tragical events...

in times like this,i feel like:
everything that i do seems to go wrong
everything that i say doesnt really make sense or change anything
nothing i do seems good enough for anybody or anything
nothing i do seems to fix anything
nobody really knows what i feel and im all alone
nobody understands what im thinking and sometimes i dont too


baru lately je...i got a serious case of eczema since i came back from bali,n it havent seem to get any better...stayed up till morning to do design,(at a firm dkat hartamas okayy,kena drive g sana)and then during the assesment, a group memeber hat was supposed to pin up the presentation came late and kena maki oleh lecturer and kena downgrade...kereta xdapat parking dalam,so i had to park outside of my apartment's gated area coz i dont have the residential sticker,dats ok coz im used to it now...but i just got a summon from the stupid MBSA for parking at d roadside...wtf???so where am i and those 50 other cars are supposed to park???and theres so many other thing on top of that....i lost my wallet last night...thank god i found it back...but thats when i found out i got a flat tire....n i got stopped by UiTM's guard 2 times in just one night...n theres just so many things(dats a bit more [ersonal to me that i cant post here publicly.more serious things,more shitty) dat just makes me feel so crappy all around...

i ust hope...i pray..that something good will come up soon...

haihhh...

the most magical moment in my life that started the rest,

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gundam is the new-er porn!!!

so i thought...soooo i thouhgt....no...no more boxes for me...now,im so fucking into GUNDAMS!!!

oowhhhyeeaaahhh baby...call me a nerd, call me a never-grow-up-kid, call me a toy freak, yeah whatever, fuck yourself coz im so into this shit now...heheee...

well i've been loving them since i was a kid, but i never really got the chance to have one.(i dunno why,coz i have all the other stuff...hmm).but recently theres been newer models and my love 4 them had just bloomed again like the first morning dew on a spring's morning!!!yay!!!

and theeeen,dayang omar and cot, my dearest darlings, bought me one for my birthday!!!yeah baby yeah baby...hohoho...best gileeee...n they bought me one that i really like pulak tu!i had damn fun putting the tiny little(sometimes annoying) pieces together...its not the big scale models,just a 1:100 so it's not as detailed as a larger scale models which has more parts, accumulation points, and well, it costs so muc more...damn...

so yeah...i love it...n i wanna say thank u sooooooooooooooo fuckng muc to:

dayang

omar

and cot

i love u guys!!!

boxes are the new PORN!

have you ever felt like...a cigerette...being smoked lazily on a hot and lazy afternoon...being held back and forth on each drag the smoker takes...and on that very long...long last drag,to the point that u'll feel the tiny tremble on the smoker's dusty fingers...uhh...and all u wanna feel at that point is being flicked.flicked away from that person u'r actually killing.away.and away.until u finally fall into a tiny puddle of last night's drizzle, and just hiss away.then, silence.

owh...that feeling.that ROMANTICISM!!!harhar...well...that's what u feel after mingling with corrugated boxes for days and nights and days again, and it goes on and on and on again and again....haihhh...

well,this semester thers an elective subject, and i decided to take furniture design(which i L-O-V-E), and the first project is a seating of 1:1 scale, and its a groupwork.meaning=we have to design a chair which can actually be used as a real seating and be tested by the lecturer on the submition day.well, its easy actually.the only prob is the material.corrugated boxes!aaargh!!!the main probis not actually bout designing it, or constructing it or anything, but its actually about FINDING A GOOD BOX!god i never thought looking for boxes would be something so fucking hard!!we spent hours(and not to mention,gallons of fuel) to look for boxes all over shah alam.cot(my group member) scouted his neighbourhood, nothing.i scouted mine, nothing.damn.we actually spent more time looking for boxes than actually designing this chair.


moral of the story is:
you'll never really realize how hard things are to find, unless when you really need it...
and that applies to everything in life, don't you think? (:

new year 'resolutions'?how bout 1024x680?can uh?

i REALLY have nothing to say right now, but i'll do wat i always did all this while, i'll just keep hitting on the keyboard as the words spill carelessly from the left side of my brain...so...the main issue here is, im BORED...as hell...seriously...i mean, the new year has started, the new sem has started, classes have started, people are starting to get started, everybody's freaking starting to start something u know wat i mean??n im right here feeling static as hell...n i just dont know why...if i were to say i havent had enough good-holiday-time,thats bullshit, coz ive been digging in some good stuff while everybody else are doin theyre practicals...its just that...i think im just not in the mood yet,u know...like, not 'in the zone' yet, to begin...well...watever i'll be beginning this year ( i cant seem to think of anything yet)....so...yeah...whatever...nevermind....

but what i DO know is, my so-called obsession n thirst for lewis carrol's adventures of alice have just been quenched when recently my sweetheart bought me the 'anotated alice in wonderland',where all the nonsense in the story are, quite weirdly enough, explained. i mean, who wouldve thought, that even the first goddamn line of the story would be something to be debated, as to whether the day was sunny or cloudy, and these fanatics had even gone poking around in the 1800's weather forecast's arcanes to freaking prove it!!!freaky huh?but all in all, its the COOLEST book EVER.i havent finished reading it yet, n i just only reached the caucus race, n i just cant wait to continue. but i left it at home. haih.

wait for me alice!

between blissful chaos and malicious serenity

im in penang ryte now.running away.away from all the chaotic tremors thats been causing my brains to shake like a spoiled 1980's hitachi blender, spinning it's pink slushy insides (brains ARE pink...kan..?well adam once told me bout it's real colour but i cant really seem to remember)and vibrating convulsively, all at d same time and it made me feel lyk i could puke my brains out trough my nose any time around.it's very depressing.sometyms i wish i cud sleep it off,u know lyk just sleep for more than 12 hours or so,hoping that the throbs would dissapear;only to find out later that it didnt.damn.so yeah,i ran way.the word 'run' seems to be implying how cowardly i am in facing these issues, and yeah,i cudve chosen any other words among the very limited vocab collection in my very limited memory space of 1.44MB,but i didnt.coz i really literally meant it.im practically running away, being the coward i always was.its jus dat i ccant take it.i jus need to not think bout all these things for a while.

but now that im here,im starting to realize that i didnt really got away from them.(my probs)not that i didnt ran fast enough or far enough,it's just dat i was not really running.u know,like how can u really run, if u keep looking behind, looking back to check whether anything has been catching up on u.but in reality,u're only looking back coz ur actually hoping dat sumtin IS catching up on u so dat u keep running.u get wat i mean?

but now that ive come this far,(ceh macam betul2 lari nih!)i actually came to a conclusion that it wont work, this running away thing.yeah,i can pretend to be enjoying all the beAutiful calm sandy salty beaches,and the sceneries which i wish so muc i cud snap if only i had a camera,and the streets which i really love,and d food which i wish dat they'll b shops selling them in subang,and the people that really doesnt know how to drive,and watever,but..i dunno.i just dont.i dont actually wana b here.i wanna b there,back home, nad look into all those troubles straight in the eye and say..."how u doin?". coz d further i try to drift my mind away,the closer i get to realising that it's nothing but sweet denial.so yeah,ther goes my nike air running shoes,my soft and sweat-absorbing cotton wristband, and my back-pack full of coward-flavoured redbull bottles that's kept me going, coz im DONE.im done with lying to myself.im done with running away,and i wanna get things done.(am i repeating that word too much?) this tym im making things happen.

i'll b back in subang 2moro evening kot.
so goodbye penang,
and hello misery!