LAST ENTRY IN THIS STUPID BLOG!

ok i know guys this is stupid n childish im sorry i just gotta let this out.n i dont know what the hell is wrong but i wanted to reply to what u posted DAYANGKU,but i couldnt n i dont know why.yeah,buta technology,i know.so here's the reply,enjoy.

omg i cant believe u really posted this after i apologised again n again in that txt earlier.rupanya u took that time to reply coz u were writing this...?

look,this is not a battle ok?im sorry for wat ive done to u all those years ok?i rele wish it was different,i mean who likes having someone mad at them?

ok look,

1.u admitted there that u do act like i dont exist.so yes!n that makes me sad,thats all!do u have to treat me like that to get over me?i mean look around u,theres other ways.there are people who are exes,n now friends!an honest friendship means,persahabatan yg jujur,no ulterior motives.we had that,we were together even though it felt like were falling apart after a year n a half BECAUSE it was honest!because we wanted to be together because we wanted to try,no other motives,not for money,or stuff or watever,im freaking poor for god sake!thats wat i mean by an honest friendship an honest relationship...

2.no thats not my idea of happiness.i can swear in allah's name strike me dead now if i lie,i told u before,i want to be happy for u.i want to be there at ur wedding,i want to be able to see ur kids and let them call me uncle, n play with them n see them grow up!i told u that! and i have repeatedly say,u are somebody elses gf now n i dont want u back i just want to be friends,u dont have to be alone with me in a cinema watching movie what do u think i am?i never cheated on u not once,and im not gonna be the one taking somebody elses girl like that,coz i know i wont like it if it was me!i know aris is a good guy,ive heard people talk n im not gonna do that!remember when i called u,i wanted to ask bout elly,n u were at his house with his family,so i respected that n i said its ok ill call u some other time remember?n yes,i went away coz i wanted to,coz like u said earlier,u ignore me anyway,so i might as well just be gone dari duduk je kat situ like a pet yg xdihiraukan tuan dia kan??i was doing a u a favor,selama i hilang u xde nak pening2 kpala gaduh dgn i kan?n then suddenly 3 days ago YOU yg tegur i kat whatsapp?psal apa??ignore je la i?

3.ok we both made promises,we both didnt deliver.WE BROKE UP FOR GOD'S SAKE!but i was talking in THAT context!look at what i write there the stuff BEFORE that phrase!what u said then,n what u are now is different,hence the phrase 'talk is cheap'

4.u may not feel like im ur bestfriend but i do!!!i FUCKING do!!!out of everybody in my 24 years of wretched life,u were the only one ive felt closest to me!ok??puas hati??maybe u never understood me n i never to u,but to have someone that i can tell stuff was enough for me!i dont have many of that kind of people in my life that i talk to that i tell them what i feel ok??you,omar arif!thats it!not even elly ok!!yes i think u hate me,n i dont have a reason for that???u dont enjoy me being sad?? then LET ME GET ON WITH LIFE!LET ME BE!let me say watever i want!i deleted my twitter for gods sake sebab u tau x,sbab u xdapat terima the things i say n the feelings i feel!i tweet sedih2 i punya perasaan la xkan i nak sedih pun xbleh,then u tweet i ckp ur "sick of my feeling sorry for myself phases" la apa la.i post lyric lagu katy perry kat hazim "bursting with colours with someone new" then suddenly the next thing u posted was "ur tweets makes me laugh sarcastically,n aris im bursting with love for u".dont freaking tell me its coincedence coz THATS BULLSHIT TOO!n u dont call that enjoying urself to purposely hurt me n make me cry??oh yes,i do cry too dayang for the things u do to me,laugh ur heart out at that.i didnt leave u for ur own good,wat do u think i am?god?how should i know the future?all i know is i left u coz we are a failed relationship,we hurt each other,so i left!yes i know theres no us anymore,so what now?we cant be ok?we must hate each other treat each other like we never knew??dayang my WHOLE family knows u,u slept at my house,bangsar house,even until now diorg jumpa i n tanya u,wishing u well n kirim salam dkat u,n ajak u datang.last friday dayang,baru last friday my aunts n uncs tanya u n ajak u dtg for our next family gathering.we've gone thru a lot,n we cant just act like that never existed all these bonds.at least i cant!ok?im not on n on about us!bila i ckp about US?theres never about US,all i was saying was how diapointed n how ad i was of what we have become!i just hope we can be friends,i wanna be able to b friends with aris even,i rele wanna try,i txt u that remember?after i met him kat hosp masa omar sakit?i rele wana try im willing to do anything to just be able to a part of ur happiness y cant u see?n yes iwant to get on with my life,LET ME get on with my life!let me be sad,let me grief let me be emo,let me write watever i want!!ITS A PROCESS!its a stage people go thru to let go,SO LET ME BE!i blocked u,n deleted my twitter,so that u would LET ME BE,N GET ON WITH MY LIFE!why are u even bothered with what i say???this is the only place on the internet that i cant figure out how to block u,but y did u come n read it???n y are u even bothered???i mean,look at ur blog,when was the last time u posted?!a long time ago!!!n suddenly u have this new post just to balas to mine siap highlight2 lagi,i mean WTH???knapa nak kena gaduh mcmni?

do u think about how crushed i feel when minutes ago u txt me that u want ur money n then i find that u wrote me this?i said yes id give u the money.each time u ask me for the money id say yes wait ill give the money.do u think its fair,that we broke up,n i still have to be responsible to give YOU money?when my mom and dad just FUCKING DIVORCED FUCKING TWO DAYS AGO AND U KNOW THAT!WHEN MY WHOLE FAMILY OF 8 WAS BEING KICKED OUT OF THE HOUSE LAST MONTH COZ WE CANT PAY THE RENT N U KNOW THAT!WHEN IM BUSTING ALL MY LIMBS WORKING TO GIVE THEM FOOD WITH MY PAY!how cold can u be???!dayang look at urself,hear urself speak!we BROKE UP!ye i used ur money to buy the car,but u gave me that money coz u oh o love me so much at that time!i didnt force u!and when the car broke down,masa i accident,it costed a thousand utk repair i ada mintak u?walaupun u naik keta buruk tu g clas hantar u sana sini pindah bilik pindah rumah laundry jalan jalan!bukan u xpernah naik kereta tu!u pay 1k i pay 3k,we use the car together kot!n then rosak sume mana u penah kisah!n now u ask me for duit tu balik,fair ke?but i just said yes je sbab nak sukakan u tau x?!fair ke for someone yg kononya kena get over la apa la,tapi terpaksa bayar lagi org tu n tanggung lagi hidup ex dia,walaupun ex dia layan dia cam taik?fair xklau i mintak u bayar balik semua bil air bil api bil makanan u duduk rumah i rumah my family all those years?FAIR X???!i fucking hate that we have to fight about money out of all things tau x,but its just not fair!!buat i rasa the only reason y u still keep my number is to ask for ur money!i was rele surprised when u txt me td n all u said was u want ur money back as soon as possible,while u know what kind of shit im in at the moment!I OWE U NOTHING!

n whats with all that?i know what god gave me,i know im thankful for the family i have.n i AM working day n night,im certainly not blaming fate n waiting for gold to fall off from the sky.what u think im a college dropout i ni sampah masyarakat,xtau nak kerja xtau nak buat apa2?xpayahla pandang rendah i smpai camtu just coz i fail uitm,n nak judge i mcm i ni xde agama plak tetiba.

yes we can forget the past,but remember allah said,take care of the relationships that u have with people that u know,n ur relationship with allah will be taken care of.yes,forget the past,but the bad part of it dayang.thats how the future can be better.not by denying the past n act like it never happened and never existed,along with all the people u know along the way.please think about it ok?may god open ur heart.

so thats it...n im not gonna come back here and read ur reply coz then its just gonna be a never ending battle,just like our marvelous relationship.so this is it.adios.

clarification of reconciliatory.i hope so.

first of all,i didnt write to portray how mean you are to me, or trying to make you look bad. this is MY blog, so i write what I feel and what I want. i write what im going through, MY current issues. i can have my own freedom here, my own rights. its my blog anyway. people even defy the ISA in blogs, why must i oblige to you?

and secondly and most importantly,im certainly NOT still not over you. please. i swear on my mother's name, i dont want you back, no matter what you say or what people say. because youre happy where you are now and youre somebody elses girlfriend. and because i left you for a reason. i just dont like what we are now. why the animosity? i stated there clearly, im sad i feel like i lost a dear best friend. i think its quite straight forward and easy to understand?

and thirdly, to that 'friend' of yours, think about it, being nice goes a loooong way. for a change, why dont you try to fix it, rather than making it worse? if youre going to just make something worse next time, and you have no idea how to fix it, i suggest you just leave it alone. :)

Sitting in an empty room...

it really hurts when someone that meant the world to you some time ago,that shared years being together, maybe not happily ever after but it was an honest friendship at least, now acts like you dont even exist.like youre just a spec of dust.thats exactly how i feel.

i dont want her back, shes happy where she is right now.but i just wanted to be a part of her happiness. but i guess she didnt want me in the picture, so i went away. now i just feel like i've lost a dear best friend.and it makes me feel really sad.

once...

almost a year ago,she wrote this...

"Soon you'll build new memories
then slowly you'd forget about me
then I would slowly be
a distant memory"

"Soon I'll just be
that someone you used to know
But Darling you will thank me
for letting you go
time is not for wasting
I hope you'll find your intended
But I'm sorry
that your intended isn't me"

"it's not an easy thing
to shake off our history
I know that's what you want from me
but they will always stay with me"

...but the memory burns in at the back of my mind when i think of it.talk is cheap.she had always been just words.

past.present.future?

hatred?

have u ever been in a situation where you know there's somebody looking at you or being very(uncomfortably) close to you that its like u can feel it or something?well,hatred is like that.you just know when people hate you.

one thing about me.i've always had problems with people.everywhere i go,anywhere in the world,any type of society or a group of people that i face,there's ALWAYS people that hates me.if their not telling me,their definitely showing it to me that they do.there's always something about me that ticks them of,sometimes i just dont know what.maybe you'll say its just like a paranoia or something,but they really do.

im just never good with people.when i was a kid,i lived with my grandmother(al-fatihah for you,wan).i never had much friends then.because i've always had this feeling that i felt they were stupid and never could understand the things i see or understood.when i talk about the things i read about dinosaurs or gravity or stars they'll just talk about barney and dragonball.i remember a few kids that were my friends there.like my only friends.because they were the only ones i felt that were smart enough and understood me,only to the certain extend.so its like i picked the least worse out of the worst.i know its mean,but thats what i felt those days.plus,i was just a kid.ive always been that kid with a pencil and a sketchbook,sitting in a corner of a house,just draw and draw and draw my own world.even during family functions when all my cousins were playing around together,id just be sitting alone and drawing.sometimes they would come by and look at my drawings and go 'wow its pretty' 'its very beautiful',but all i wanted was for them to go away and leave me alone.i just wanted to be alone.i feel weird when people touch me or if i have to share something with somebody else,so ive always stayed close to my grandmother,or my parents if she's not there,and my cousins aunts and uncles would always tease me bout it and make fun of me and call me names like 'manja' or 'big baby'.but i just really didnt care,because to me then they were just loud,dumb little creatures and i cant help the way i feel about people.

i went to kindergarden,i only lasted there for two days.because i hated it.one the first day,the teacher was teaching us words,so the first word for the day was apple.so loudly she screamed 'epal' (remember its an english class) and drew a circle on the whiteboard with a pink chalk, then everybody followed her,saying 'e-pal'. everybody except me.so i stood up politely,went to the teacher and the took the chalk from her hand and drew an apple with a stem and a leaf,on the whiteboard.then i said 'apple'.my grandmother had had a hard time that evening when she came to pick me up,apologising to the teacher,because the people there were her friends.and thats when i saw it.the glance she shot me.the same glance that i get from certain people until today that i just know theres a piece of hatred in it,piercing through theyre eyes into mine.i grandmother explained to me what i did was rude,but i couldnt understand.i just thought what she drew and said was wrong,and wanted to fix it.but they didnt understand either.so i quitted kindergarden.thats when my aunt who studied english in canada came back to malaysia and thaught at home.from that point on,i became more and more detached from people.

i dont hate people,its hard to explain what i feel about them.i dont make friends easily because im hard i guess,and i dont really mix around.and by that people would always think im arrogant.but truthfully i just dont know how.at some point sometimes i feel like im scared of them.when i was in school,even in high school,when i talk to people ive always avoided eye contact.i just cant.and i was scared shit of girls.i dont even know how to talk when im around them.and THAT,is something that i still am until today.but other than that i think im getting a bit better at it.i think.though i still dont want to just be friends with everybody that i see.friends are a really defined word to me,i keep it exclusive.so my real friends are not just my 'friends'.ugh i dont know how to explain that either.

but lately,ive been getting this hate aura so much.i know its because of that 'flaw' that i have,the missing skill that i cant seem to catch up in time,but sometimes i feel like ive tried so hard but people still do hate me.for the past year,ive been losing people that means a lot to me.my very best friends,among the closest that i have ever had in my life.honestly,i dont really need them to love me,but just dont hate me.i dont really need them to remember me everyday,just acknowledge me.i dont really need them to make me feel good about myself,just dont make me feel worse.i've been alone all my life since i was a kid,living with my grandmother,no parents,no friends,i can handle loneliness on my own.im not asking you to help make me feel better,im jus begging you to not hate me thats all.

my bestfriend who knows me from head to toe,who've been with me for four years together through every pain and joy,who ive thought to be so very beautiful no matter how fat she thinks she is or how bad she thinks shes dressed up,who ive thought to be awesome without any make up on,who ive thought to be cool no matter if she doesnt have piercing or wear ripped jeans or play guitar,who ive thought always had a secret artistic talent she have to discover and try to encourage her everytime she feels she's talentless,now hates me to pieces and smiles at every chance she gets to make me cry.just because i decided to leave her,because i dont think we could make each other happy.i know she would never be happy of me if i stayed,and now i guess she should know that i had a point.because she is much happier with her new life.so why does she still keep the grudge?im not gonna say much about her because she has a life now,and i NEVER want to interrupt that.thats what i thought of when i decided to leave her,and now she got it,and it means i have complied to my purpose in doing that so id like her to keep being happy now.but it doesnt mean i dont see her as the greatest best friend i had ever had,and i dont feel a thing when she treats me like an enemy.when we were still in the midst of breaking up,i did told her id still love her,only in a different way, even if she hates me n even if she decides to stab me with a knife right in the heart,i really really meant it.because thats how i feel right now.

another best friend who i was with through every one of her past 5 or 6 relationships,and tried to help her fix each one of them as far as i can go without interrupting with their privacy and being too nosy,and try to be there for her as much as i can.and because i did one mistake,i broke our vor not to drink licquor,she labelled me as her 'wild life',and she needed to be away from that(me) in the meantime while shes madly in love with this guy who stupidly judged her and decided to leave her when she drank with me when WE broke our vows together.for her,i called the guy.apologised,and it was me who forced her into it,even though he told me'dont blame yourself,she wanted to be forced',i said no.i WAS me. but did she stop me when she realised my life was going down the drain?no.did she try to stop me?no.did she reject my honourable invitation to join me in drinking?no.does she even remember i tried to stop her from drinking more,even though she said 'just a lil' in the beginning?no.did i ever say to her'hey free yourself this weekend,im staying over at your house and we're going to the clubs'?no.that was her.i never judged her.ive always say one thing i have always respected of her,and i still look highly of her for that until today,no matter how much of a party monster she is,she NEVER cheats on her boyfriend.but now,she said i am her 'wild' fucking life,and she needs some time alone,away from me???yes.amazing.

and this good friend of mine and his girlfriend.(that's what they are,a couple,they just dont see it yet and ive tried so hard to make them understand that,but i guess its obsolete).a decade of which ive known him.i try so hard to be a good friend to him,through his MASSIVE temper and sensitivity,his fussiness immaturity and such.when people say all that of him,i just say thats just him,and i accept it because i want to.because he sees and understood my weaknesses too.at least thats what i think.when his first girlfriend left him,i took the courage to talk to somebody i dont even know and tried to explain to her how devastated he was when she left him.they got back together.i became friends with her.when she broke up again with her for some reason,he wanted me to delete her from my FB account,because a 'friend to an enemy was enemy' i guess.we argued.it was childish.but at last i succumbed,and deleted her.since then,she hated me.she forgave me after i explained to her what happened,but things were never like before anymore.its just really sad because she was really nice to me even though she's a thousand miles away in the U.S. and we never met.and now with his new girlfriend,i always try to connect the ends with them,because i KNOW he loves her and i know he can be happy with her,he just chooses not to for some reason.once in a while she would call me or text me and id always have the best intention to try and help her,and explain to her how he is,when all his other friends never really cared about her.and for some reason now,he's not talking to me and ignoring my 'discreet' attempts to start a conversation on twitter.because recently we had an argument where i had to delay an appointment we were supposed to have with a printer company and a trophy making company because they had another client that they saw as more profitable than he was at that time.i had to beg them and told them he was my best friend,and i'll do all the designs myself so the charges would be cheaper,so these companies agreed.but he cancelled the meeting just because it was delayed for two hours,and had to interfere with his 'hangout time' with his buddies.the two company's directors said i was a waste of time,and immature in handling appointments,and by the looks of it im never gonna be doing printing again because i my reputation was flawed that night.if only he understood the real world,how things work in real working life.ive been doing so many different jobs,and your appointments gets shoved aside like dirt is a normal thing,especially if youre a nobody from an unknown company.i just hope he'll understand that one day,and remember what i told him about it.so now he is not talking to me,and i guess they have a whole hate group againts me now because his girlfriend is ignoring me too,for some reason that i have no idea why.thats what she did to a guy who tried to destroyed her relationship with him,so is it fair for me to get the same treatment?she was really nice before,i dont know how it came to this,and im really tired to find out.i know one when he's done being mad he'll just say 'oh i didnt realise u messaged me or tweeted me' or 'why are u so mad,chill lah',and act like nothing happened,because thats just his style,but im tired of that too.it really makes me sad that people just toy with my feelings.

im not mad,and i dont hate them.never did and never will.i just dont understand,and i just dont like the feeling of people hating me because i just hate it,i have been getting it since i was a kid and it hurts sometimes.im just ranting here to express myself,i just have to let this all out because its killing me.because so far this is the only way that i can feel like im talking to somebody that wouldnt judge me or say anything,and just listen.a laptop screen.i guess thats the closest i have of a best friend right now.like i said,i dont really need you to love me,just dont hate me.i dont really need you to remember me everyday,just acknowledge me.and im not asking u to help me feel better of myself and my life,im just begging you to not make me feel worse.

p/s:if somehow you are reading this and feel offended,i am TRULY VERY SORRY of what i did or say that have offended u in any way.i love u guys even if u hate me,no matter how mad u are to me and my feeling for u guys would never change.

im sorry if i just cant feel the same anymore.

secrets.

the memories flutter in my mind
like fireflies in the silent night.
i keep them in a clear glass jar
in the dusty corner of a secret closet.
i take them out to light the room
when the day is filled with gloom.
i doesnt really take away the sorrow
but sometimes it just makes me smile for tomorrow.