life.love.lies.death.

LAST ENTRY IN THIS STUPID BLOG!

2011-02-24T12:44:00.000-08:00

ok i know guys this is stupid n childish im sorry i just gotta let this out.n i dont know what the hell is wrong but i wanted to reply to what u posted DAYANGKU,but i couldnt n i dont know why.yeah,buta technology,i know.so here's the reply,enjoy.

omg i cant believe u really posted this after i apologised again n again in that txt earlier.rupanya u took that time to reply coz u were writing this...?

look,this is not a battle ok?im sorry for wat ive done to u all those years ok?i rele wish it was different,i mean who likes having someone mad at them?

ok look,

1.u admitted there that u do act like i dont exist.so yes!n that makes me sad,thats all!do u have to treat me like that to get over me?i mean look around u,theres other ways.there are people who are exes,n now friends!an honest friendship means,persahabatan yg jujur,no ulterior motives.we had that,we were together even though it felt like were falling apart after a year n a half BECAUSE it was honest!because we wanted to be together because we wanted to try,no other motives,not for money,or stuff or watever,im freaking poor for god sake!thats wat i mean by an honest friendship an honest relationship...

2.no thats not my idea of happiness.i can swear in allah's name strike me dead now if i lie,i told u before,i want to be happy for u.i want to be there at ur wedding,i want to be able to see ur kids and let them call me uncle, n play with them n see them grow up!i told u that! and i have repeatedly say,u are somebody elses gf now n i dont want u back i just want to be friends,u dont have to be alone with me in a cinema watching movie what do u think i am?i never cheated on u not once,and im not gonna be the one taking somebody elses girl like that,coz i know i wont like it if it was me!i know aris is a good guy,ive heard people talk n im not gonna do that!remember when i called u,i wanted to ask bout elly,n u were at his house with his family,so i respected that n i said its ok ill call u some other time remember?n yes,i went away coz i wanted to,coz like u said earlier,u ignore me anyway,so i might as well just be gone dari duduk je kat situ like a pet yg xdihiraukan tuan dia kan??i was doing a u a favor,selama i hilang u xde nak pening2 kpala gaduh dgn i kan?n then suddenly 3 days ago YOU yg tegur i kat whatsapp?psal apa??ignore je la i?

3.ok we both made promises,we both didnt deliver.WE BROKE UP FOR GOD'S SAKE!but i was talking in THAT context!look at what i write there the stuff BEFORE that phrase!what u said then,n what u are now is different,hence the phrase 'talk is cheap'

4.u may not feel like im ur bestfriend but i do!!!i FUCKING do!!!out of everybody in my 24 years of wretched life,u were the only one ive felt closest to me!ok??puas hati??maybe u never understood me n i never to u,but to have someone that i can tell stuff was enough for me!i dont have many of that kind of people in my life that i talk to that i tell them what i feel ok??you,omar arif!thats it!not even elly ok!!yes i think u hate me,n i dont have a reason for that???u dont enjoy me being sad?? then LET ME GET ON WITH LIFE!LET ME BE!let me say watever i want!i deleted my twitter for gods sake sebab u tau x,sbab u xdapat terima the things i say n the feelings i feel!i tweet sedih2 i punya perasaan la xkan i nak sedih pun xbleh,then u tweet i ckp ur "sick of my feeling sorry for myself phases" la apa la.i post lyric lagu katy perry kat hazim "bursting with colours with someone new" then suddenly the next thing u posted was "ur tweets makes me laugh sarcastically,n aris im bursting with love for u".dont freaking tell me its coincedence coz THATS BULLSHIT TOO!n u dont call that enjoying urself to purposely hurt me n make me cry??oh yes,i do cry too dayang for the things u do to me,laugh ur heart out at that.i didnt leave u for ur own good,wat do u think i am?god?how should i know the future?all i know is i left u coz we are a failed relationship,we hurt each other,so i left!yes i know theres no us anymore,so what now?we cant be ok?we must hate each other treat each other like we never knew??dayang my WHOLE family knows u,u slept at my house,bangsar house,even until now diorg jumpa i n tanya u,wishing u well n kirim salam dkat u,n ajak u datang.last friday dayang,baru last friday my aunts n uncs tanya u n ajak u dtg for our next family gathering.we've gone thru a lot,n we cant just act like that never existed all these bonds.at least i cant!ok?im not on n on about us!bila i ckp about US?theres never about US,all i was saying was how diapointed n how ad i was of what we have become!i just hope we can be friends,i wanna be able to b friends with aris even,i rele wanna try,i txt u that remember?after i met him kat hosp masa omar sakit?i rele wana try im willing to do anything to just be able to a part of ur happiness y cant u see?n yes iwant to get on with my life,LET ME get on with my life!let me be sad,let me grief let me be emo,let me write watever i want!!ITS A PROCESS!its a stage people go thru to let go,SO LET ME BE!i blocked u,n deleted my twitter,so that u would LET ME BE,N GET ON WITH MY LIFE!why are u even bothered with what i say???this is the only place on the internet that i cant figure out how to block u,but y did u come n read it???n y are u even bothered???i mean,look at ur blog,when was the last time u posted?!a long time ago!!!n suddenly u have this new post just to balas to mine siap highlight2 lagi,i mean WTH???knapa nak kena gaduh mcmni?

do u think about how crushed i feel when minutes ago u txt me that u want ur money n then i find that u wrote me this?i said yes id give u the money.each time u ask me for the money id say yes wait ill give the money.do u think its fair,that we broke up,n i still have to be responsible to give YOU money?when my mom and dad just FUCKING DIVORCED FUCKING TWO DAYS AGO AND U KNOW THAT!WHEN MY WHOLE FAMILY OF 8 WAS BEING KICKED OUT OF THE HOUSE LAST MONTH COZ WE CANT PAY THE RENT N U KNOW THAT!WHEN IM BUSTING ALL MY LIMBS WORKING TO GIVE THEM FOOD WITH MY PAY!how cold can u be???!dayang look at urself,hear urself speak!we BROKE UP!ye i used ur money to buy the car,but u gave me that money coz u oh o love me so much at that time!i didnt force u!and when the car broke down,masa i accident,it costed a thousand utk repair i ada mintak u?walaupun u naik keta buruk tu g clas hantar u sana sini pindah bilik pindah rumah laundry jalan jalan!bukan u xpernah naik kereta tu!u pay 1k i pay 3k,we use the car together kot!n then rosak sume mana u penah kisah!n now u ask me for duit tu balik,fair ke?but i just said yes je sbab nak sukakan u tau x?!fair ke for someone yg kononya kena get over la apa la,tapi terpaksa bayar lagi org tu n tanggung lagi hidup ex dia,walaupun ex dia layan dia cam taik?fair xklau i mintak u bayar balik semua bil air bil api bil makanan u duduk rumah i rumah my family all those years?FAIR X???!i fucking hate that we have to fight about money out of all things tau x,but its just not fair!!buat i rasa the only reason y u still keep my number is to ask for ur money!i was rele surprised when u txt me td n all u said was u want ur money back as soon as possible,while u know what kind of shit im in at the moment!I OWE U NOTHING!

n whats with all that?i know what god gave me,i know im thankful for the family i have.n i AM working day n night,im certainly not blaming fate n waiting for gold to fall off from the sky.what u think im a college dropout i ni sampah masyarakat,xtau nak kerja xtau nak buat apa2?xpayahla pandang rendah i smpai camtu just coz i fail uitm,n nak judge i mcm i ni xde agama plak tetiba.

yes we can forget the past,but remember allah said,take care of the relationships that u have with people that u know,n ur relationship with allah will be taken care of.yes,forget the past,but the bad part of it dayang.thats how the future can be better.not by denying the past n act like it never happened and never existed,along with all the people u know along the way.please think about it ok?may god open ur heart.

so thats it...n im not gonna come back here and read ur reply coz then its just gonna be a never ending battle,just like our marvelous relationship.so this is it.adios.

clarification of reconciliatory.i hope so.

2011-02-24T08:29:00.000-08:00

first of all,i didnt write to portray how mean you are to me, or trying to make you look bad. this is MY blog, so i write what I feel and what I want. i write what im going through, MY current issues. i can have my own freedom here, my own rights. its my blog anyway. people even defy the ISA in blogs, why must i oblige to you?

and secondly and most importantly,im certainly NOT still not over you. please. i swear on my mother's name, i dont want you back, no matter what you say or what people say. because youre happy where you are now and youre somebody elses girlfriend. and because i left you for a reason. i just dont like what we are now. why the animosity? i stated there clearly, im sad i feel like i lost a dear best friend. i think its quite straight forward and easy to understand?

and thirdly, to that 'friend' of yours, think about it, being nice goes a loooong way. for a change, why dont you try to fix it, rather than making it worse? if youre going to just make something worse next time, and you have no idea how to fix it, i suggest you just leave it alone. :)

Sitting in an empty room...

2011-02-20T11:25:00.000-08:00

it really hurts when someone that meant the world to you some time ago,that shared years being together, maybe not happily ever after but it was an honest friendship at least, now acts like you dont even exist.like youre just a spec of dust.thats exactly how i feel.

i dont want her back, shes happy where she is right now.but i just wanted to be a part of her happiness. but i guess she didnt want me in the picture, so i went away. now i just feel like i've lost a dear best friend.and it makes me feel really sad.

once...

2011-02-09T23:31:00.000-08:00

almost a year ago,she wrote this...

"Soon you'll build new memories
then slowly you'd forget about me
then I would slowly be
a distant memory"

"Soon I'll just be
that someone you used to know
But Darling you will thank me
for letting you go
time is not for wasting
I hope you'll find your intended
But I'm sorry
that your intended isn't me"

"it's not an easy thing
to shake off our history
I know that's what you want from me
but they will always stay with me"

...but the memory burns in at the back of my mind when i think of it.talk is cheap.she had always been just words.

past.present.future?

2011-01-05T08:28:00.000-08:00

hatred?

2010-12-13T03:28:00.000-08:00

have u ever been in a situation where you know there's somebody looking at you or being very(uncomfortably) close to you that its like u can feel it or something?well,hatred is like that.you just know when people hate you.

one thing about me.i've always had problems with people.everywhere i go,anywhere in the world,any type of society or a group of people that i face,there's ALWAYS people that hates me.if their not telling me,their definitely showing it to me that they do.there's always something about me that ticks them of,sometimes i just dont know what.maybe you'll say its just like a paranoia or something,but they really do.

im just never good with people.when i was a kid,i lived with my grandmother(al-fatihah for you,wan).i never had much friends then.because i've always had this feeling that i felt they were stupid and never could understand the things i see or understood.when i talk about the things i read about dinosaurs or gravity or stars they'll just talk about barney and dragonball.i remember a few kids that were my friends there.like my only friends.because they were the only ones i felt that were smart enough and understood me,only to the certain extend.so its like i picked the least worse out of the worst.i know its mean,but thats what i felt those days.plus,i was just a kid.ive always been that kid with a pencil and a sketchbook,sitting in a corner of a house,just draw and draw and draw my own world.even during family functions when all my cousins were playing around together,id just be sitting alone and drawing.sometimes they would come by and look at my drawings and go 'wow its pretty' 'its very beautiful',but all i wanted was for them to go away and leave me alone.i just wanted to be alone.i feel weird when people touch me or if i have to share something with somebody else,so ive always stayed close to my grandmother,or my parents if she's not there,and my cousins aunts and uncles would always tease me bout it and make fun of me and call me names like 'manja' or 'big baby'.but i just really didnt care,because to me then they were just loud,dumb little creatures and i cant help the way i feel about people.

i went to kindergarden,i only lasted there for two days.because i hated it.one the first day,the teacher was teaching us words,so the first word for the day was apple.so loudly she screamed 'epal' (remember its an english class) and drew a circle on the whiteboard with a pink chalk, then everybody followed her,saying 'e-pal'. everybody except me.so i stood up politely,went to the teacher and the took the chalk from her hand and drew an apple with a stem and a leaf,on the whiteboard.then i said 'apple'.my grandmother had had a hard time that evening when she came to pick me up,apologising to the teacher,because the people there were her friends.and thats when i saw it.the glance she shot me.the same glance that i get from certain people until today that i just know theres a piece of hatred in it,piercing through theyre eyes into mine.i grandmother explained to me what i did was rude,but i couldnt understand.i just thought what she drew and said was wrong,and wanted to fix it.but they didnt understand either.so i quitted kindergarden.thats when my aunt who studied english in canada came back to malaysia and thaught at home.from that point on,i became more and more detached from people.

i dont hate people,its hard to explain what i feel about them.i dont make friends easily because im hard i guess,and i dont really mix around.and by that people would always think im arrogant.but truthfully i just dont know how.at some point sometimes i feel like im scared of them.when i was in school,even in high school,when i talk to people ive always avoided eye contact.i just cant.and i was scared shit of girls.i dont even know how to talk when im around them.and THAT,is something that i still am until today.but other than that i think im getting a bit better at it.i think.though i still dont want to just be friends with everybody that i see.friends are a really defined word to me,i keep it exclusive.so my real friends are not just my 'friends'.ugh i dont know how to explain that either.

but lately,ive been getting this hate aura so much.i know its because of that 'flaw' that i have,the missing skill that i cant seem to catch up in time,but sometimes i feel like ive tried so hard but people still do hate me.for the past year,ive been losing people that means a lot to me.my very best friends,among the closest that i have ever had in my life.honestly,i dont really need them to love me,but just dont hate me.i dont really need them to remember me everyday,just acknowledge me.i dont really need them to make me feel good about myself,just dont make me feel worse.i've been alone all my life since i was a kid,living with my grandmother,no parents,no friends,i can handle loneliness on my own.im not asking you to help make me feel better,im jus begging you to not hate me thats all.

my bestfriend who knows me from head to toe,who've been with me for four years together through every pain and joy,who ive thought to be so very beautiful no matter how fat she thinks she is or how bad she thinks shes dressed up,who ive thought to be awesome without any make up on,who ive thought to be cool no matter if she doesnt have piercing or wear ripped jeans or play guitar,who ive thought always had a secret artistic talent she have to discover and try to encourage her everytime she feels she's talentless,now hates me to pieces and smiles at every chance she gets to make me cry.just because i decided to leave her,because i dont think we could make each other happy.i know she would never be happy of me if i stayed,and now i guess she should know that i had a point.because she is much happier with her new life.so why does she still keep the grudge?im not gonna say much about her because she has a life now,and i NEVER want to interrupt that.thats what i thought of when i decided to leave her,and now she got it,and it means i have complied to my purpose in doing that so id like her to keep being happy now.but it doesnt mean i dont see her as the greatest best friend i had ever had,and i dont feel a thing when she treats me like an enemy.when we were still in the midst of breaking up,i did told her id still love her,only in a different way, even if she hates me n even if she decides to stab me with a knife right in the heart,i really really meant it.because thats how i feel right now.

another best friend who i was with through every one of her past 5 or 6 relationships,and tried to help her fix each one of them as far as i can go without interrupting with their privacy and being too nosy,and try to be there for her as much as i can.and because i did one mistake,i broke our vor not to drink licquor,she labelled me as her 'wild life',and she needed to be away from that(me) in the meantime while shes madly in love with this guy who stupidly judged her and decided to leave her when she drank with me when WE broke our vows together.for her,i called the guy.apologised,and it was me who forced her into it,even though he told me'dont blame yourself,she wanted to be forced',i said no.i WAS me. but did she stop me when she realised my life was going down the drain?no.did she try to stop me?no.did she reject my honourable invitation to join me in drinking?no.does she even remember i tried to stop her from drinking more,even though she said 'just a lil' in the beginning?no.did i ever say to her'hey free yourself this weekend,im staying over at your house and we're going to the clubs'?no.that was her.i never judged her.ive always say one thing i have always respected of her,and i still look highly of her for that until today,no matter how much of a party monster she is,she NEVER cheats on her boyfriend.but now,she said i am her 'wild' fucking life,and she needs some time alone,away from me???yes.amazing.

and this good friend of mine and his girlfriend.(that's what they are,a couple,they just dont see it yet and ive tried so hard to make them understand that,but i guess its obsolete).a decade of which ive known him.i try so hard to be a good friend to him,through his MASSIVE temper and sensitivity,his fussiness immaturity and such.when people say all that of him,i just say thats just him,and i accept it because i want to.because he sees and understood my weaknesses too.at least thats what i think.when his first girlfriend left him,i took the courage to talk to somebody i dont even know and tried to explain to her how devastated he was when she left him.they got back together.i became friends with her.when she broke up again with her for some reason,he wanted me to delete her from my FB account,because a 'friend to an enemy was enemy' i guess.we argued.it was childish.but at last i succumbed,and deleted her.since then,she hated me.she forgave me after i explained to her what happened,but things were never like before anymore.its just really sad because she was really nice to me even though she's a thousand miles away in the U.S. and we never met.and now with his new girlfriend,i always try to connect the ends with them,because i KNOW he loves her and i know he can be happy with her,he just chooses not to for some reason.once in a while she would call me or text me and id always have the best intention to try and help her,and explain to her how he is,when all his other friends never really cared about her.and for some reason now,he's not talking to me and ignoring my 'discreet' attempts to start a conversation on twitter.because recently we had an argument where i had to delay an appointment we were supposed to have with a printer company and a trophy making company because they had another client that they saw as more profitable than he was at that time.i had to beg them and told them he was my best friend,and i'll do all the designs myself so the charges would be cheaper,so these companies agreed.but he cancelled the meeting just because it was delayed for two hours,and had to interfere with his 'hangout time' with his buddies.the two company's directors said i was a waste of time,and immature in handling appointments,and by the looks of it im never gonna be doing printing again because i my reputation was flawed that night.if only he understood the real world,how things work in real working life.ive been doing so many different jobs,and your appointments gets shoved aside like dirt is a normal thing,especially if youre a nobody from an unknown company.i just hope he'll understand that one day,and remember what i told him about it.so now he is not talking to me,and i guess they have a whole hate group againts me now because his girlfriend is ignoring me too,for some reason that i have no idea why.thats what she did to a guy who tried to destroyed her relationship with him,so is it fair for me to get the same treatment?she was really nice before,i dont know how it came to this,and im really tired to find out.i know one when he's done being mad he'll just say 'oh i didnt realise u messaged me or tweeted me' or 'why are u so mad,chill lah',and act like nothing happened,because thats just his style,but im tired of that too.it really makes me sad that people just toy with my feelings.

im not mad,and i dont hate them.never did and never will.i just dont understand,and i just dont like the feeling of people hating me because i just hate it,i have been getting it since i was a kid and it hurts sometimes.im just ranting here to express myself,i just have to let this all out because its killing me.because so far this is the only way that i can feel like im talking to somebody that wouldnt judge me or say anything,and just listen.a laptop screen.i guess thats the closest i have of a best friend right now.like i said,i dont really need you to love me,just dont hate me.i dont really need you to remember me everyday,just acknowledge me.and im not asking u to help me feel better of myself and my life,im just begging you to not make me feel worse.

p/s:if somehow you are reading this and feel offended,i am TRULY VERY SORRY of what i did or say that have offended u in any way.i love u guys even if u hate me,no matter how mad u are to me and my feeling for u guys would never change.

im sorry if i just cant feel the same anymore.

secrets.

2010-12-13T03:00:00.000-08:00

the memories flutter in my mind
like fireflies in the silent night.
i keep them in a clear glass jar
in the dusty corner of a secret closet.
i take them out to light the room
when the day is filled with gloom.
i doesnt really take away the sorrow
but sometimes it just makes me smile for tomorrow.

Firework

2010-11-14T12:16:00.000-08:00

katy perry looked AMAZINGLY stunning in this one.i was gonna say as usual,but in this one she just looked...more.i mean yeah she's hot (every testosterone-driven creature in the world would agree on that)but in this video she's just gorgeous, beautiful. i mean like...umm ladylike,if u catch my drift.

whatever it is,the 1st time i heard this song i was moved,seriously moved it touched me in so many ways that i can relate to.n now i just feel like bursting into colours again,like i've always did before!i love u katy perry!thank you!

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that tehre's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em goin "Oh, oh, oh!"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

waiting for the end

2010-10-30T02:05:00.000-07:00

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violet rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
Thats invisible there,
Cuz we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all dissapear.

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control....

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts we're spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go...

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn't so...

What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And i don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending Is starting again!!!

Bullets

2010-10-17T05:00:00.000-07:00

take a loaded barrel n shove it down my throat.

pull the fucking trigger.

once for the life,

once for the pain,

and once for the memory.

------------------------------------------------------------

lagu sebenarnya,just a part of it.dah habis nanti saya post ye.terlampau seronok berexperiment dgn FL dgn jimbo jimboy...hardstyle core grind techno????!hahaha

25 minutes too late

2010-09-27T23:59:00.000-07:00

somebody once told me, i always dwell upon the past, and be upset and curse at something that has happened when its already too late, instead of doing something about it in the present time before any shit happens.

n i regret that i didnt listen.

i didnt regret my decisions. i still think it was the right thing to do.coz i just had to.

but what i regret is the fact that there were so many things that went away just like that all those years.so many promises,so many plans,so mant things,so many places; that went by unfulfilled,unattended and forgotten.n it was all out of my own ignorance and negligence.i was never really a good boyfriend, and i dont think i ever will be, but realizing this really just made me feel worse, the fact just became clearer to me now.and the pain too.

ive always prayed to allah that she'll find somebody worthy religiously financially spiritually (and perhaps physically :S) to mend the damage. and she seems happy now. cool new people,cool new friends,cool activities,cool events,by cool big names. things ive always wished i could give her before,but i didnt have it. i guess thats really out of my league. im glad that she gets a life that she deserves now. not like what she had before,having to use her money for me je everyday coz i had none of my own,and the same old shit everyday,same old places,same old faces,same old activities.no wonder we got lost from each other.damn.no wonder im not worth a good memory.im like the worst memory she ever had kot.padan muka kau habil.haha.

if only i had known before.but then again,im always 25 minutes too late.micheal learns to rock would agree with that.lol.funny.i never learn.

Down the rabbit hole

2010-09-22T14:30:00.000-07:00

Listen to the birds,

and dance to their chirps.

Tip toe down the wires, parachute with your shirts.

Look at the sky,

and taste the clouds.

Cotton candy marshmallows, with pink icing shrouds.

Smell the humid mist,

and inhale it's silence.

Tap your fingers on the breeze, send a note to the heavens.

Taste the rusty rain,

and kiss the blushing angel.

A sip after a toast, a gush after a trickle.

Touch the vigorous sprout,

and feel them whisper:

"Follow the lines on my trunk, and just dream forever".

2010-03-29T15:26:00.000-07:00

sitting on the roadside as life goes by,and ur just watching it pass...u just might as well shut ur eyes, remember and smile, till the last bus comes and takes u away.

2010-03-29T15:00:00.000-07:00

the man in the looking glass once told me:a girl a day keeps the heartbreak away.

2010-03-29T14:47:00.000-07:00

when a monster lurks in ur shadow,there's only one thing left to do:KILL THE LIGHTS

A prick from the needle,because you dealt with The Devil.

2010-01-03T09:29:00.000-08:00

well i had fun last saturday, after days of 'labor' work, moving out from my condo to a new house back in subang again(yay!!!).so i really needed the break.even the devil needs a break!harhar.and it was good.dayang have been great, tremendous, fabulous, and (d)evilly-gorgeous help from day one!thank you my love! she slept over at my house and on saturday morning we went out for a movie with omar and sarah.we watched 'The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus'.well actually it sounds like 'darn asses'...but nevermind.

so yeah,it was a decent movie.i just love senseless fantasy stories like that where things doesnt really need a reason to happen, and the consequences doesnt really mean anything and most of the things doesnt really make any sense at all.err...that kinda sound like my life,but aaaanyway,i liked it.see, it was not a GREAT movie, i think people are just drawn to the movie like moth to fire is mainly because it starred heath ledger.it was his last movie for god's sake.oh, and not to forget, myself(ehem),jude law, and colin farrel came along to join the crew coz most of the part that involved CGIs are shot after heath ledger passed away, so they played his role, Tony.well tom waits played the devil's character, Mr.Nick, like a champ.with his smirk face and thin mustache,i felt like kicking him straight between the eye.and lily cole played Valentina, the dr parnassus' cute daughter.well,in a few scenes she actually transformed from cute to pure hotness.(she has that kind of weirdly-freaky-somehow-attractive face,like devon aoki)harhar.and she's only 21!so to cut it short,the story is about a man who made a deal...well dealS, actually...with the devil.and at one point,he actually bargained his daughter as a price for one of the bets he made with dear Satan.and then blah blah blah, happy ending.

so what's the moral of the story?simple---do not deal with the devil!

as far as it goes, one might think, hey i never dealt with the devil.i never met him.who does for god's sake?so what?we're safe?the story and it's values doesnt apply to our daily lives?this is the real world and the devil doesnt just show up one day at TESCO in the 'sports' area looking for shuttlecocks and gives you his private-line phone number?well my friends, i just realised something that day.if u really think carefully, actually we do make deals with the devil almost every day in our lifes.well...most us.well,i admit that i do.sometimes a few times a day. )))-:

if youve seen the movie,you can see how the devil makes every deal looks so easy and he's always so convincing. you'd just see the glittering prize at the end of the road, never thinking bout what you'll get along the way.and what you would actually get.you see, there's ALWAYS a catch to a deal.especially with the devil!and we're gonna have to pay for it. D-:

well,you dont actually meet the devil in person, but it does happen in a way.

think about it!---how many times in your life that that you actually thought, hey i'll just do this once.one time only.just for the sake of trying.then again.and again.and again.and then perhaps hey i'll just do this one LAST time,there's always tomorrow for redemption..im still young,i'll stop when im 60.but tomorrows just comes again and again.or, hey the world's gonna end in 2012 so we still have a long way to go till we settle down and come clean.

so u see,this is what i mean by 'dealing with the devil'.we actually gamble with our fate.i mean, what happens when theres actually no tomorrow?and i dont just mean about 'dosa' and 'pahala',good and bad,or sins and deeds here.it's not just about religious or spiritual afterlife shit im talking about here,its also about all the things we do in life,our connections,our relations,to people,to animals,everything.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"i'll feed my pet and play with her later,cats can live for days without food."

"to hell with her,i hate her.i wont apologise, ever.in 10 years we'll forget about it and be ok."

"grandma's fine,she just had a minor accident.there's nothing serious,i'll visit her tomorrow."

but the cat didnt live for even a second more once it got ran over by a car minutes after that.

she didnt even last 10 months since the day you broke up,and she still remembered everything.

and you did came back tomorrow,only for her funeral.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

you know,if you find any of the statements above to be familiar,just think about it.what if there is no tomorrow?maybe not for your pet,your best friend,your ex,your girlfriend,your mom,your dad.everybody.including yourself.ESPECIALLY yourself.and that's when you actually lose to the devil.

"god,make me a better person this year onwards.amin"

money?

2009-11-10T07:20:00.001-08:00

oh well.it's been a while since i wrote anything in here.coz it's been pretty hectic.studies.design.uitm administrative stupidity.part-time job.life.money.

money.

you're gonna need money to eat and drink.

you're gonna need money to sleep under a roof.

you're gonna need money to move around town.

you're gonna need money to go and watch movies.

you're gonna need money to make money.

you're gonna need money to live, basically.am i right, or am i right?

so yeah,money.every little thing these days are all about money.or is it?

you see,people are right when they say life is like a wheel.there are times you're gonna soar really high, and there are times you're come down crashing like you're never gonna see the sun again.so yeah, I've been up there before. i've never been filthy rich, but i've been there.i've been grown and trained since i was a kid, to not want things. because i just keep getting them.my age difference with my sister is a long six year span, due to two miscarriages my mom experienced before my sister came.so i had everything i wanted.i was always the first in the neighborhood to have everything.you say it:the latest game consoles, the coolest R/C car and trucks, every latest special edition LEGO toys,every latest action figure that swamped the movie screens those days.i had 2 big buckets full of LEGOs i could actually make a house i can crawl into.from tip to toe, i was dressed in the finest oshkosh b'gosh,adidas,puma stuff, u name it.and didn't even know about all that at the time.all i know was when they wanted to buy something for me, i just follow my mom or my grandmother to the mall, and i get it.

i remembered when i was in primary school, perhaps when i was 8 or 9,when i finally have a rough idea what 'value' and 'price' was, my mom wanted to buy me a shoe for raya, and i took a reebok from a shelf and paid rm150 something.well,that was pretty something back in the mid 90's.and i thought 'wow,this is quite a lot of money', but i didn't even like the shoe anyway,i just took it from the shelf because my mom told me i needed a new shoe for raya.but then the shoe only lasted for less then half of a year, and i only ended up wearing it for a few times, because i was growing up pretty fast those days and i gave it away to one of my cousins.and we went to the mall on that day itself to buy a new one because my mom felt i was 'incomplete' now that i gave my shoe away.that's when i thought, 'wow,mom paid more then a hundred bucks for something that i didn't even like, and it ended up being given to somebody else just like that?'.and he actually liked it.who doesn't like free stuff man?LOL.and back in school, i didn't have much friends to talk to about tv. whoever wanted to talk to me when i talked about tom and jerry?3x3 eyes?or anything on HBO?because i was the only one who had mega tv at that time.the grandpa of astro.haha.

but all that shit seems to be taken from us in a blink of an eye.it all started before the malaysian inflasion period in 1999 or something.my dad was being de-promoted in utusan malaya from a marketing executive to a nobody in the printing department i think, and my dad quited out of the feeling of betrayal after years of serving them and even moving to penang for them.that's when i moved to subang.my mom had to work.things were pretty much falling apart.my parents had to work real hard.they shifted from one place to another.we even at one time sold currypuffs and other kuihs at illegal stalls and even got chased away by the MPSJ like crows, scavenging our way for food.

that's when my mom asked me,

"bila cikgu tanya kat sekolah, mama dgn ayah kerja apa awak jawab apa?"

"berniaga",i answered."jual kuih."

"awak tak rasa malu ke jawab macamtu?sorry tau mama buat awak rasa malu."

that's when tears came rolling from my mother's eyes.and i was the one who comforted her and say there's no reason for me to be ashamed because i never minded.although i came from a pretty wealthy family, i was trained to live with modesty and be humble.my grandmother(al-fatihah to her) thought me that.i learned not to be too dependent on my parents as i grew up.i bought pretty much of my things myself from my own savings money(although they WERE from my parent's money too,but i had to really starve at times to be able to have them!) or through little petty businesses i've done.so i never really felt any difference of being rich or poor.yeah, being poor was hard, but i had a happy family back then with my two sisters and brother.i know 'poor' is such a strong word, and there are much poorer people in malaysia even, that's going through harder shit.but i use the word 'poor' when i said that because i was referring to what we had before.there were even a time when we didn't even have a car and we had to move around by metrobus.even when we had car,it was a rusty old peugot, one after another.and they all either got took away by the bank or got sold because we didn't have enough money to pay it on monthly basis.

till this day, our family's financial status are pretty much improving from those 'dark ages'.but i can say i never got back the life i had before as a kid.maybe the effect of it is not so big because it was short-liven, i don't know.u decide.but what i want to say is,i really dont want my brother and five sisters to go through what i went, although what they're going through right now is pretty much something too.sigh.and that's the only reason why i find money as an important commodity.only because i want to change my family's life.

when i look at (certain)people today, that only wears the most branded clothes, only uses the most talked about gadgets, only eats at the most classy fine-dine restaurants, and i thought: do they know what it feels to can only wear,eat, and use what you afford?and certain people boasts and displays this with full arrogance.people like these really makes me sick.well i'm not saying this out of jealousy or anything, and i'm not being a sour grape.i mean, yeah you have the money, so go ahead and splurge and buy expensive stuff, you earned it anyway.i really don't give a fuck.but when somebody wants to say he or she only wears this and that and look at what 'commoners' wear with the feeling of disgust, and joke about people not having money, well that kinda just hit me straight between the eye. i really don't care what these people do,say or think, well if they really wanna keep doing that, go ahead.but i don't wanna be among them because i'm not like that.i don't belong with 'rich' people.yeah,i may have zara stuff,but i'll wear kiki lala for all i care.and yeah i may have a rm500 jacket,but i don't mind bundle.seriously.at least if u really want to boast, use your own money.being rich with your parent's money really doesn't mean a lot.and a little modesty really goes a long way,u know.

so that's money to me and my life.sometimes in life, chances may come in the most peculiar ways.and being called chances,as we all know, it may fail or it may succeed.risks comes every second of our lives.i've been through shit that involves big risks, so i know how to size em' up when i see one.the less risk,the higher your potential of succeeding.one of the risk of life that i've taken:architecture school.but all i know is, i've failed it.and the consequence of that taking that risk,i've lost 4 years of my life getting nothing andd having a debt to the freaking PTPTipu.nothing?nah.i've learned lots of thing through that for years.it's just that, i don't belong to that world.and i don't need any comforting on that please.haha.i really meant that.but life goes on.all i know is i'm gonna finish it and get it over with.like my favourite lecturer always say to me every semester when i meet him for advice because i hesitate to use my 'crazy' ideas in design,"kalau nak fail,biar fail dengan style".haha.

so now im moving on to my next phase in life.i understand when people cant really comprehend and understand what i do and judge me, because not long ago i was people too.i was them.i didn't understand because i was being prejudice and judgmental.and scared of the risks.but hearing to two sides of the story really pays.i have knives up my sleeves man,this is sleazy you're talking about.haha.i spent time sizing up the risks,planning my steps,peeking through till i finally saw a way,as people were busy blabber mouthing and doing just that.and as i go,the risks really aren't that big.at least i knew that i took bigger.so i took it.

it was ME who was againts it so much, and now i'm doing it?why take the risk?it'll really take one hell of a push to move ME to take the risk out of anybody else, right?so i have my reasons.and i can answer anything you're gonna have for me.and i can prove anything that is against me wrong.i can if i want to.but i dont.because i see people around me as friends, and i respect that.and i don't expect to be respected either, because you've said and done what you wanted and i don't mind.because i know what i'm doing, and i understand what you feel.and i'm taking chances.not just for the money, but for my family.for turning back the wheel.

Spread the propaganda!

2009-07-05T08:18:00.002-07:00

Hey guys, i've just finished doing another blog using this same username,u can see it on my profile page. It's actually a side project im doing with my sisters and we're actually selling pixelletes, felt stuff such as key chains and doodle dolls, and even t-shirts. But sadly enough, we're only concentrating on the pixel badges/brooches for the moment because we think all the other items still needs a little finishing touches before they'll be ready yet for market. But we'll be updating the blog soon with more items to be 'oogled' by all. ;P

So i really do hope you guys would help us spread the propaganda by following the blog, and make a few purchase along the way! ;)

Happy browsing!

wailing thoughts of a muted scream...

2009-06-21T10:52:00.000-07:00

i've just realised something quite recently. im not sure if it had always been that way, only that it never came to my conscious self; or it had just started for whatever reasons. (from the last word to this moment, i've spent almost 15 minutes in front of the laptop trying to think how i could put this into a logic literal explanation)

its like this actually:

im thinking to myself, more like talking to myself actually, like you do when you see a mister know-it-all talking yadda yadda yadda bout how he does everything so 'efficiently' and you'll go like "yeah right. jerk off, asshole. you bribed them!". you know, things that you really want to shout straight at somebody's face, but somehow you cant really say out loud, muted by our sanity and compassions, and perhaps of fear and hypocrisy too. but recently when i do that, i actually THOUGHT i was talking to myself, then suddenly there'll be somebody responding to my 'self expressions'. and i'll be like..."erk.wha-?oh,no no.nothing"...haih...just today, it had happened 2-3 times i cant really remember. oh, and thats one more thing. im starting to forget things more chronically these days. sleep talking is one thing, but wake talking???sometimes i don't remember saying certain things even in my wake! and sometimes when i wake up from sleep, i even forget how, where and when i slept the night before.

hmm......weird.

when life catches up on you,and you werent even running.

2009-05-24T12:48:00.000-07:00

Imagine a guy.running weakly.panting frantically.glimmering in sweat.wearing full sports gear.
adidas wristband that's soaked too much it's stating to get heavy, sleeveless Lakers jersey & shorts that's drenched in sweat,and a pair of running shoes with one of it's laces are dangling weakly on each slow and tiring strife of the poor guy's feet.

he actually felt that last push of hope when he ran up that hill(he remembered like there WAS a hill.was it?or was it just a flat muddy path?he must've been too tired too remember anything), he felt like that was the hardest part there was in that course, and told himself he could do it.just a little.a little bit more.and after that he can reward himself with a good rest, just for a while sohe can actually catch his breath again.he actually believed he could.so he did.

so then he finally stalled.it felt windy.it must be the height, he thought.hills have that effect u know.like what u've learnt in standard 6th geography.his knees trembled.he knelt down to look at them, and saw the veins bulge at every throb his heart makes.his shoes seems worn out too.the thing here is:he cant actually remember,was it like that even before he started running, or was it because he ran too far already?because, he never actually used the shoes before in his life.ever.well mayb he did.but not this serious.so he couldnt remember.there's a lot of things he cudnt remember nowdays.he didnt even remember who he was before he started running.coz he felt he was somebody else now.maybe he's now harry, the guy who lives next door that likes to tell people only what they like.or even matt, the guy he used to live together, he was a bit nice though.but he would never thought of being jarred.he hated jarred.he was a foul liar.but people always loved him.coz they dont know his lies.

but whatever it is, while all of that rubbish are going through his head now(and yours too), he started to think to himself, how far is it now since i started?he wants to look back so much, but he actually liked the idea of lying to himself, by making believe he had gone far.fearing if he looked back, he'd be dissapointed.but somehow he felt sure too.he's THAT tired anyway.he must be far away now.

so then he turned.

the road was empty.no people.no cars.nobody.only footsteps.lots of them, and most of them arent his.there mustve been lots of people before, he thought. he thought maybe he could catch up.so he turned the other side, and quinched his eyes so tard till he finally saw them.and a sigh.they were miles away now.

the best part was: he just realised, that it wasnt even a hill at all. there wasnt any.the course was flat all along.and when he turned back the moment before, he actually even saw the starting line.

damn.

(to be cont.)

grey

2009-04-22T13:44:00.000-07:00

if it wasnt for those compassions,
how could i ever feel this disgust?
if it wasnt for that minute spark of love,
how could this flame of hatred scorch my will?

if it wasnt for those careful eyes,
then nothing would gloom beneath them now,
if it wasnt for the bitten tongue,
then why am i damned with regret?!

the faces are worn to please each half,
and to complete each turn at every feelings encountered.
we laugh and play to greet the day,
but we dread the tears to say goodnight.
while back and forth these plays would have
every pain and pleasure in black or white.

you may have ended this with our two shades
but ive been fucking lost in between all along.
we thought you'd find me, but neither did all of us.

These are the days where the rainbows seems to have lost it's colours...

2009-03-17T15:44:00.000-07:00

ive finally came to a point in life where i dont really know what to do about it anymore....bad luck,misfortune,spontaneous accidents and mishaps...they've been catching up on me lately...praying me from behind like a pack of wolves, hungers for my tragical events...

in times like this,i feel like:
everything that i do seems to go wrong
everything that i say doesnt really make sense or change anything
nothing i do seems good enough for anybody or anything
nothing i do seems to fix anything
nobody really knows what i feel and im all alone
nobody understands what im thinking and sometimes i dont too

baru lately je...i got a serious case of eczema since i came back from bali,n it havent seem to get any better...stayed up till morning to do design,(at a firm dkat hartamas okayy,kena drive g sana)and then during the assesment, a group memeber hat was supposed to pin up the presentation came late and kena maki oleh lecturer and kena downgrade...kereta xdapat parking dalam,so i had to park outside of my apartment's gated area coz i dont have the residential sticker,dats ok coz im used to it now...but i just got a summon from the stupid MBSA for parking at d roadside...wtf???so where am i and those 50 other cars are supposed to park???and theres so many other thing on top of that....i lost my wallet last night...thank god i found it back...but thats when i found out i got a flat tire....n i got stopped by UiTM's guard 2 times in just one night...n theres just so many things(dats a bit more [ersonal to me that i cant post here publicly.more serious things,more shitty) dat just makes me feel so crappy all around...

i ust hope...i pray..that something good will come up soon...

haihhh...

the most magical moment in my life that started the rest,

2009-02-17T13:26:00.000-08:00

a long, long time ago....
there was an ugly monster that lived under a bridge...it was a cursed creature being hated by people and spent his life alone...lovess...until one day, came a beAutiful young girl and broke the curse with pure love!-through friendster....harharhar....

such a lovely story indeed...i remembered how it started...n i kept it well to this day....a simple message that actually started it all... :)

i just love this message...no matter how many times i read it, i still get that funny little feeling that makes my heart flutter...

Date:	03/20/2006 8:30 am
Subject:	well...
Message:	can i juz say hi? one mite think dat there's sumthing kinda fishy going on here, but sincerity is a factor in diz situation... gosh, i'm babbling, sori... anyway, well, hi there (^_^)

lovely...just lovely...the most fuckng cute and lovely message ever....sorry for the inappropiate use of words, but its d only way i cud express myself so honestly...d;

i love u so muc baby,n my love 4 u jus kept growing each day...(that my heart's kinda cramped up sometimes, especially in the left ventrical, that i'll need to spill some out so i can breath easily)...and it would never lessen, not in a lifetime, not ever...

muahxxxXXX!!!

gundam is the new-er porn!!!

2009-02-14T11:50:00.000-08:00

so i thought...soooo i thouhgt....no...no more boxes for me...now,im so fucking into GUNDAMS!!!

oowhhhyeeaaahhh baby...call me a nerd, call me a never-grow-up-kid, call me a toy freak, yeah whatever, fuck yourself coz im so into this shit now...heheee...

well i've been loving them since i was a kid, but i never really got the chance to have one.(i dunno why,coz i have all the other stuff...hmm).but recently theres been newer models and my love 4 them had just bloomed again like the first morning dew on a spring's morning!!!yay!!!

and theeeen,dayang omar and cot, my dearest darlings, bought me one for my birthday!!!yeah baby yeah baby...hohoho...best gileeee...n they bought me one that i really like pulak tu!i had damn fun putting the tiny little(sometimes annoying) pieces together...its not the big scale models,just a 1:100 so it's not as detailed as a larger scale models which has more parts, accumulation points, and well, it costs so muc more...damn...

so yeah...i love it...n i wanna say thank u sooooooooooooooo fuckng muc to:

dayang

omar

and cot

i love u guys!!!

boxes are the new PORN!

2009-02-10T12:24:00.000-08:00

have you ever felt like...a cigerette...being smoked lazily on a hot and lazy afternoon...being held back and forth on each drag the smoker takes...and on that very long...long last drag,to the point that u'll feel the tiny tremble on the smoker's dusty fingers...uhh...and all u wanna feel at that point is being flicked.flicked away from that person u'r actually killing.away.and away.until u finally fall into a tiny puddle of last night's drizzle, and just hiss away.then, silence.

owh...that feeling.that ROMANTICISM!!!harhar...well...that's what u feel after mingling with corrugated boxes for days and nights and days again, and it goes on and on and on again and again....haihhh...

well,this semester thers an elective subject, and i decided to take furniture design(which i L-O-V-E), and the first project is a seating of 1:1 scale, and its a groupwork.meaning=we have to design a chair which can actually be used as a real seating and be tested by the lecturer on the submition day.well, its easy actually.the only prob is the material.corrugated boxes!aaargh!!!the main probis not actually bout designing it, or constructing it or anything, but its actually about FINDING A GOOD BOX!god i never thought looking for boxes would be something so fucking hard!!we spent hours(and not to mention,gallons of fuel) to look for boxes all over shah alam.cot(my group member) scouted his neighbourhood, nothing.i scouted mine, nothing.damn.we actually spent more time looking for boxes than actually designing this chair.

moral of the story is:
you'll never really realize how hard things are to find, unless when you really need it...
and that applies to everything in life, don't you think? (:

new year 'resolutions'?how bout 1024x680?can uh?

2009-01-05T11:28:00.000-08:00

i REALLY have nothing to say right now, but i'll do wat i always did all this while, i'll just keep hitting on the keyboard as the words spill carelessly from the left side of my brain...so...the main issue here is, im BORED...as hell...seriously...i mean, the new year has started, the new sem has started, classes have started, people are starting to get started, everybody's freaking starting to start something u know wat i mean??n im right here feeling static as hell...n i just dont know why...if i were to say i havent had enough good-holiday-time,thats bullshit, coz ive been digging in some good stuff while everybody else are doin theyre practicals...its just that...i think im just not in the mood yet,u know...like, not 'in the zone' yet, to begin...well...watever i'll be beginning this year ( i cant seem to think of anything yet)....so...yeah...whatever...nevermind....

but what i DO know is, my so-called obsession n thirst for lewis carrol's adventures of alice have just been quenched when recently my sweetheart bought me the 'anotated alice in wonderland',where all the nonsense in the story are, quite weirdly enough, explained. i mean, who wouldve thought, that even the first goddamn line of the story would be something to be debated, as to whether the day was sunny or cloudy, and these fanatics had even gone poking around in the 1800's weather forecast's arcanes to freaking prove it!!!freaky huh?but all in all, its the COOLEST book EVER.i havent finished reading it yet, n i just only reached the caucus race, n i just cant wait to continue. but i left it at home. haih.

wait for me alice!

between blissful chaos and malicious serenity

2008-12-11T08:02:00.000-08:00

im in penang ryte now.running away.away from all the chaotic tremors thats been causing my brains to shake like a spoiled 1980's hitachi blender, spinning it's pink slushy insides (brains ARE pink...kan..?well adam once told me bout it's real colour but i cant really seem to remember)and vibrating convulsively, all at d same time and it made me feel lyk i could puke my brains out trough my nose any time around.it's very depressing.sometyms i wish i cud sleep it off,u know lyk just sleep for more than 12 hours or so,hoping that the throbs would dissapear;only to find out later that it didnt.damn.so yeah,i ran way.the word 'run' seems to be implying how cowardly i am in facing these issues, and yeah,i cudve chosen any other words among the very limited vocab collection in my very limited memory space of 1.44MB,but i didnt.coz i really literally meant it.im practically running away, being the coward i always was.its jus dat i ccant take it.i jus need to not think bout all these things for a while.

but now that im here,im starting to realize that i didnt really got away from them.(my probs)not that i didnt ran fast enough or far enough,it's just dat i was not really running.u know,like how can u really run, if u keep looking behind, looking back to check whether anything has been catching up on u.but in reality,u're only looking back coz ur actually hoping dat sumtin IS catching up on u so dat u keep running.u get wat i mean?

but now that ive come this far,(ceh macam betul2 lari nih!)i actually came to a conclusion that it wont work, this running away thing.yeah,i can pretend to be enjoying all the beAutiful calm sandy salty beaches,and the sceneries which i wish so muc i cud snap if only i had a camera,and the streets which i really love,and d food which i wish dat they'll b shops selling them in subang,and the people that really doesnt know how to drive,and watever,but..i dunno.i just dont.i dont actually wana b here.i wanna b there,back home, nad look into all those troubles straight in the eye and say..."how u doin?". coz d further i try to drift my mind away,the closer i get to realising that it's nothing but sweet denial.so yeah,ther goes my nike air running shoes,my soft and sweat-absorbing cotton wristband, and my back-pack full of coward-flavoured redbull bottles that's kept me going, coz im DONE.im done with lying to myself.im done with running away,and i wanna get things done.(am i repeating that word too much?) this tym im making things happen.

i'll b back in subang 2moro evening kot.
so goodbye penang,
and hello misery!

failure bites

2008-11-27T02:50:00.000-08:00

well...things have been going pretty hectic for the past few weeks....ive barely had time for myself...(even for dayang)...i was mesed up,both physically, and mentally...up in shambles...down the drain...haih...no words can describe it...the only thing that ever made me feel like: "i dont belong here!" or "why am i here?!" or "shit i want out!"....damn...

bunyi macam dasyat kan?padahal...it's just...

DESIGN SUBMISSIONS

haih...penat...letih...tired....

nah,its not that hard actually...really.sleeping disorder.eating disorder.weight loss.stink and stench.baggy eyes.dehydration.thats all.nothing much right?harhar... sleeping is a luxury in times like these.in times where u only sleep or eat when u really feel u need to,and u do it in a way that you could be defined as a pure funtionalist, where everything must have a reason to it.damn.i hate it.but so muc as i hate it,it happened the way it was coz i allowed it to.sigh.my own laziness and ignorance led me to them.i was distracted.wat more cud i say?i really dont have no alibis to back me up on this.so yeah,i deserved it;the hardships and all...

but i kept goin...i did it all,those tormented nights of drafting and drawing and colouring till dawn till noon and till night again,those sleepless nights,and days,and nights again, those mugs and mugs of caffeine and boxes after boxes of ciggs and everything; i did it all for one reason...coz i was driven...long gone are the times when passion and obsession and desires of design used to fuel me....tis time i was driven by something,something so strong that it made me feel ive never worked this hard before,something that i tried to deny but somehow i know its just behind my me,waiting,prowling,breathing at my fucking neck, just waiting for the right time to strike...

its FEAR...yep,fear...the fear of failure...not 'failure' failure,but the failure of design,the subject,the goddamn syllabus....damn...i just don wana fail design... don wana face another semester in this friggin place...i just dont...somehow i know frm the start that i was gonna fail this sem...and now im really facing the fact that i may b failing...haih....ive been hearing things,and it aint good...i just don feel lucky anymore,i just fel that i wont be getting away with murder this time...

god help me.....

p/s:sorry for the typo errors,keyboard x best

broken fixtures

2008-10-13T10:23:00.000-07:00

there's a few times that ive asked some of my friends,and of course,dayang,a question that i began to realize that its actually far more serious than how the people ive asked would actually imagine it would be.actually,i think they would only see it as a joke.or just a mere sarcastic question that came out of my wishful thinking of trying to make a joke in any awkward situations where the crowd would suddenly go silent,u know what i mean?or is it just that?i thought it was just that myself,but somehow i knew, i knew that it somehow had the tiniest sense of pure honesty lingering somewhere behind my snickering voice, trying to sound funny and stupid all at the same time.

the question was(and always would be,i think):
"AM I A TROUBLED PERSON?"(somehow,in a disturbing kinda way,if u understand what im trying to say)

well,if u could imagine how people would see and understand the question,the answer didnt actually mean that much in any other way,u know.it would either be a really sarcastic notion,or really snappy one,to bite back my stupid question.but i wonder.i wonder what the answer really is.if they were really honestly answering it.if i were really honestly asking it.if i were to be poised in such a position,that requires me to answer that question really honestly,i would definitely answer
"YES."

because i realized(a few years back,when i finally began to see the prospects of life)that im actually a troubled person.yes of course,on the outside - i always had bad first impressions,either they hate me or they fear me - but,what im actually seeing here is the psychological stress and the interpersonal conflicts within me,of how i fail to define myself who or what i really am,or even was and would be,as far as im concerned.

so yeah,all in all,im actually confused.well,that's just another normal episode in life,rite?sigh.hope it'll be over.n it can pass through me like nothing but a tiny breeze.well.i dont even know most of what i just spoke of actually,it just came out like tired,dripping,metal-tasted water from the tip of a rusty water tap in a dusty and weedy sun scorched wasteland somewhere in Penang.(WTF???)

one small step for a big messed up fool,one giant leap for a little change in life

2008-10-09T12:06:00.000-07:00

so here it starts.
im beginning to realize that maybe,just maybe,with this little thing here,i can make a big difference in how i face my life.thanks to dayang,she's always been so enthusiastic in writing blogs n all,that it triggered me.maybe this is what i need.maybe this is how i can make ends meet.maybe its time i need to look at life differently,n furthermore,to digest n express them differently.

so why am i doing this?
its because ive started to see that i need some kind of foundation,that i can be fixed on to,to keep me grounded.to keep me sane.to keep me sober.in a way,to keep me awake.coz all these years ive realized that ive been living in a dream.a dream that i made myself.to make it look like how i wanted to be.to make it look like every thing's ok.to see,feel,hear,experience,n accept only wat i allow myself to.i wanted them to be real so much i that i pretended it to be real.but theyre not.i feed myself with lies,n make myself believe that theyre real,how pathetic is that?im not a realist.i never was.everything i wanted to do,to achieve,are just mere fragments in my head that i cant really seem to grasp n deliver them.

so that's it.i have get up.i have to be real.
that's when i thought,there must be a really good reason why dayang writes.i see her as an idol.whatever that she does always had something good in it.they always do.so i realized that i need to look at things in a different way n start writing too.i remembered her telling me once that writing are a good way to express yourselves.so here i am.i just need to spill it all out coz its been pooling in my head for far too long that it feels like thick sludge is gurgling in my brain,clogging every vein,if they ever even existed.

yeah.i do feel like im 'expressing' myself.coz ive always been a sucker at these things,verbally.i just cant seem to talk to people easily bout wat i feel.its not like i dont want to or anything,but i just cant.dayang always told me to express myself towards her,but ive always failed to do it in a way that normal people would do.even towards dayang.god.so dont talk bout telling other people other than her,thats more unlikely to happen.so i guess writing's the way.dayang's right.i have to let it all out.its bout letting out what u feel,what u think.to me,writing is like making u see n understand what you yourself feel n think all this while about certain things in life,that it has always been there deep in your guts,only that all this while uve been swallowing it down in denial,even after u gag again n again trying to keep it that way.

so with this small step,i hope that i can finally make a difference in my life.i hope that there's more of my inner conscious to be 'unearthed',realised n understood.so that i can understand myself better.so i can see clearly what i really am and what i could be.for myself.for dayang.for everybody in this whole fucking big round rock that we call earth.

insyaallah.